[Can anyone tell me how I can make this essay draft better]
"Be Weary of their Expectations"
Do you, as a teenager, think other people's expectations
are the right thing to live up to? If so, you should take the time to
realize that you cannot follow others. Several examples from the
past and present clearly demonstrate how trifling other's ideas
are.
Everyone should realize that they only have one life to
live. For example, a person starts life being incapable of
discerning right from wrong. They grow up learning the
fundamentals of life. During their childhood, they make several
mistakes that they luckily can learn from. But, however, some
they cannot. These involve following others expectations.
Although the expectations of their parents, sometimes, are have
good intentions, the persons peers and those that abhor them try
to micromanage them in the wrong direction. As a result, these
weaken minded people spend their life following others. It's
obvious that they must take a stand for themselves, or they'll
waste their one and only chance at living.
Besides the previous statement, teens should not follow
other people's expectations as they may not be in their best
interest. Chhaya Werner, a junior in high school, is a prime
example of someone who is fully versed in this topic. He states
that ". . . giving in" to someone's expectations ". . . can influence a
person to do something that has more serious consequences."
This doesn't help a person and obviously has no benefits. Instead,
this person gets is confused and cannot make their own decisions
for their welfare.
At last, following others should not happen as it may lead
to death and suicide. After all, a person that follows other peoples
expectations cannot think for themselves or be motivated enough
to live when life gets rough. Their parents and peer's expectations
are too much for them to handle. In fact, according to government
survey records, the suicide rate of teens in Japan is three time
higher than the US because children are raised from birth to live
up peoples expectations.
After a critical analysis of all the examples, it's a smart
idea for teens to not follow other people's expectations. There
isn't any point of allowing others to get you hurt. Teens must
realize that it's their life and they're old enough to make judicious
decisions for themselves.
Hi Dan, I just take a look at your sentences, but not with what you mean on your essay. Here are some errors that may have. You need to pay attention on these, this, it, that...if you can, write specific noun or subject
=>People should realize that they only have (everyone=singular, they =plural)
=> He or she has grown up learning the fundamentals of life (a person = he or she, not they)
=> they have made several mistakes
=>However, some cannot...( you already have "however"=but, so delete "but". Same with "they"="some")
=>These involve following others expectations <=what you mean by "these"; learning from mistakes? hard to understand with "these"
=> Although sometimes the expectations of their parents are good intentions, peer presures?...(from now I don't get what you mean)("are" and "have" = 2 verbs)
=>these weaken minded people and spend their lives following others<=what is "these"? "minded people" is not clear, dangle
=> It's obvious that they must take a stand for themselves (use "goal" instead of "stand", how about this "It is obvious that they must live their own life" or "It is obvious that they should follow their goals"
=>or they'll waste their one and only chance at living.<=rewrite this sentence, difficult to understand
=>teens should not follow other people's expectations as they may not be in their best interest ( "they" can be understood in two meanings, either "people's expectations" or "teen", so you need to rearrange a little)
=>this person is confused and cannot make his or her own decisions for his or her welfare. (Once again, two verbs, "get"&"is". This person=singular, they=plural-So I change to singular, but that sounds repeating "his or her" twice, so you can fix your way. I just give example)
=>the suicide rate of teens in Japan is three time higher than the US because...(the comparison-you cannot compare "the rate of teen" with "US" because these are 2 different things, so "the suicide rate of teens in Japan is three times higer than the U.S' rate because....)
=>Teens must realize that their lives....(you miss the compliment here) and they're old enough to make judicious decisions for themselves.
Can you try to read the essay for peat sakes and not just edit the paper like the hundreds of random people on this planet?
This seems like a terrible thing to say after Kathy probably spent 20 minutes helping you. And your comment doesn't even really make sense.
Your essay expresses ideas quite clearly. This sentence is a boring cliche, though:
Everyone should realize that they only have one life to live.
As for the main idea, the words conventional & unconventional come to mind. I like the concept.
