Is there any suggestion for my essay? (To be more like a native speaker's essay)
As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
business contribution to the society
It is natural and right for a company to make money in its professional field. I partly agree that the company is responsible for giving feedback to the society, while some bosses could not afford the extra cost of social affairs if the companies have been in a bad situation.
It is absolutely reasonable that an enterprise earn as more income as possible. It have to bear the weight of several necessary cost as soon as running whole company to make profit. For example, there is a cost of salary for every employee committing himself into work;and employer would not be trusted anymore if he does not pay wages on time, which may become a underlying problem for the company's future. In the long term, manager must lead company, all personnel, toward the right direction so as to ensure the sustainability of company. Investing in new equipment or better techniques, and expand the scale of factory are all important and definitely essential for a company's development. In other words, running and keeping a company require lots of money.
However, nowadays the condition is very harsh and competitive for a company in such a globalized society. It is challenging to survive from the competition with other enterprises all around the world, not to mention having additional expenditure of social responsibilities, such as financial aid for local student. A company should not be blamed or criticised just because it should take more social responsibilities than to sustain itself. On the other hand, as long as a company have the ability to help society, it of course should do it. Since without the resources and supports from people or organizations in society, it is impossible to success for an enterprise. Therefore, the decision maker has to evaluate whether there are enough time and money to bear the social responsibilities.
To summarize, making money is the first priority for a company.As to benefit society, however, is important as well if it is affordable for an enterprise.
I am preparing for IELTS now.So if there is any suggestion, I will like to hear.And thanks a lot for read all of it!
I have read your essay closely and found a few improvements you need. Firstly, pay attention to prompts given because as I am concerned, I think you unsuccessfully paraphrased the statement. The statement emphasizes the company's responsibility for the social environment. Based on your thesis statement, you would clearly explain your perspective which did not relate to the question. Before you start writing, make sure that you have found keywords in the statement so that you would review inside the side of the prompts.
Turning detail information to the first body paragraph, you tended to elucidate about the importance of getting money for the company. You showed reasons why that is important. Your explanation is a good job, but the question does not focus on that topic. You have to concentrate on the social responsibility. Honestly, you failed in the first paragraph. For the second body paragraph, you actually deliver the prompt briefly but in the second opinion. In the first sentence of that paragraph, you have explained another topic and seemed that it was out of the topic. After that, you also had major errors grammatically such as using verb agreement. Perhaps, that seems as small mistakes, but those can reduce your score on the condition that you do it more.
Hopefully, those suggestions can help you for improving this essay.