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[TOEFL] A well-rounded student is more likely to obtain success in the future

toetoefldog 2 / 4  
Aug 25, 2017   #1
PROMPT:some teenagers take part in kinds of activities, such as musical classes, sports classes and so on, but others only focus on one activity which is important to them. Which idea do you support?

Should we attend various activities?

In the modern world, society tends to evaluate a person with their overall abilities. Instead just focusing on one aspect, a well-rounded student is more likely to obtain success in the future. To this extent, I am more in favor of participating in activities in various kinds for the reason that it lead to a more promising future.

First of all, students who take part in various activities are more easily to identify where their interest lies. Being exposed to all kinds of events means we have more chances to obtain different experiences, and those experieces is very condusive when comes to choose a major or career since we already know what our talent is and where my interest lies. According to my own experience, many teenagers are not aware of what their persuiting. And this phenominon is derived from the lack of experiences. If we are restricted to the things that we think it is important and unwilling to embrace new activities, we may strangle our talent at birth and squnder our time with useless things. Conversly, allowing ourselves to be exposed to extinctive tasks and fields, we will stand a great chance in discovering our strenghth and find our talent. Therefore have a more promising future.

Another perspective should not be overlooked is that participating in different activities develope our time managing skill, which will be useful when we step into workplace. To illustrate, when I was in junior high, I once join in several clubs such as swimming club, literature assosiation and singing groups. During that period, I was forced to make a detailed plan so that I can properly fit those activitis into schedule, so I start to breaking up practicing tasks and homework into smaller pieces, and cancel one out once I finish. Such skills in time managment dramatically improved my efficiency and I benefit a lot from them in my college life when the workload is heavier. To put it simply, the ability to balance several tasks and fit them properly within a day will be obtain by join in different activities, and such capacity will improve ur efficiency hence lead to a better future.

Moreover, taking part in various activities will enhance our social skills and enlarge our social circle. Being exposed to different groups of people, we will be informed how to socilize. Through the pracetice to meet new classmates and built friendship with them, we can aquire social skills. Furthermore, when we join in different groups and clubs, we are picking up different skills and fill in new information, which will become handy when it comes to enlarge social circle when we step into society. In my opinion, socialization plays a paramount role in ones success.

To conclude, participating in different activities will help up build several condusive skills in the terms of socialization, discovering talents and time management. So as a result, we should choose to attend various activities rather than focusing on a single one.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,002 2708  
Aug 25, 2017   #2
@toetoefldog there are numerous spelling mistakes in your essay that show how you are familiar with English vocabulary, but not with the spelling of these words. Let me point out some of those for you: condusive = conducive, persuiting - pursuing, phenominon = phenomenon, squnder = squander, extinctive = extensive, activitis = activities, and a host of other spelling errors.

There is also the way that you start your sentences that pose a problem. For example, you can never say "According to me" because the phrase "According to" means that you are referring to a statement or experience of another person, someone other than yourself. The correct opening phrase is "In my experience..." Also, you should never start an academic sentence with "and" because that is a connecting word. Using it at the start of a sentence doesn't connect it to anything so it creates a sentence that has the wrong grammar structure. Remember, the sentence structures will be considered in the final scoring so you have to try and create properly spelled out and grammatically correct sentences at all times.
OP toetoefldog 2 / 4  
Aug 25, 2017   #3
Thank you for spending time pointing out my mistakes, I'll try to avoid them in my next essay. Is there any suggestions on the development and organization?
trungkienpeter 2 / 5  
Aug 25, 2017   #4
Hello toetoe flog
Your essay will be better if you use vocabularies correctly. There are some helpful softwares on Internet to check your vocabularies. Grammarly is a software that I highly recommend for you because of its conveniently.

Hope you have great development in writing practice.
OP toetoefldog 2 / 4  
Aug 25, 2017   #5
thank you! the site is really helpful!
tran14 12 / 26 7  
Aug 27, 2017   #6
@toetoefldog, I do not know how people organise paragraphs in a toefl test, so I just give you advice on grammar and vocabulary.
1) Check the meaning of 'To this extent' because I do not think you fully understand how to use it.
2) are more easily
3) we already know what our talent is and where my interest lies => prevent this mistake from happening again by checking your finished work.

4) what their persuiting => what they are persuing.
5) phenominon => wrong spelling.
There are more obvious and serious mistakes you have made but I cannot list all of them. Maybe you need to practice in terms of vocabulary and grammar first and then apply them in your writing. Good luck.

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