Please leave some advice on my essay. Much appreciated!
(If my introduction is not good, can you suggest another correct one for me?)
Some people claim that what many people eat in western countries is unhealthy food and that their diet is getting worse.
Critics say that these countries should change their diet.
What is your opinion on this?
Here is my essay:
Convenience food is considered as a specific cultural aspect of numerous Western countries. However, this diet is acknowledged to be unhealthy for citizens. That's why there are unnumbered arguments claiming that an eating habit innovation is vital to Western nations. In my opinion, although I agree that the obesity rates are getting worse among Western civilization, I am in total disapproval of modifying their whole diet due to some reasons. The explanation will be given after discussing the devastating state of obesity.
To begin with, obviously the processed food makes great contributions to various chronic diseases. Take obesity for example, recent research has indicated that 70% residents in Western nations is likely to suffer from stroke, sleeplessness and other dangerous illnesses because of being obese. As a result, this fact has put enormous burden on the government's medical system. Consequently, a massive amount of money will be paid for obesity treatment, which could downgrade the national economy.
Despite the alarmist state above, eating habit innovation intensive disadvantages. Oneunnumbered impact of it is loss of diverse cultures , which can be resulted thanks to the change of cuisine. Cooking aspect represents for its nation. Therefore, eliminating a national cuisine can also mean vanishing heterogenious culture. What's more, not only unumbered money will be spent on changing cooking system, but the fast-paced world of these nations can not suitable to any other cuisines except fast food. That's why Western countries should not innovate their diet.
In order to prevent the devasating effects of obesity, I believe that putting high taxes on fast food instead of changing all the diet will reduce its consumption and improve the health of community.
In conclusion, although the Western countries are indeed facing to the risk of high obesity rates, I highly recommend that they had better put taxes on proccessed food rather than innovating their whole cuisine.
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There is no reference to convenience food in the original prompt. So you changed the discussion focus in this case. The reference is on the diet in general, there is no specific food style being indicated. Do not change the topic in your representation. Your second sentence is more appropriate as it refers to the general diet of the those living in the West. That should have been the opening sentence / topic representation. You are using contractions so early in the presentation. This removes the academic tone of your writing. Use a professional writing style or a student writing style. That means, no contractions, Use the whole word. There is no sense in using shortcuts when you are trying to prove a familiarity with the English grammar rules under the GRA considerations.
Do not use exaggerated reference words such as "devastating". There is no need to be sensationalist. You are not writing for a tabloid. You are writing for educated professionals who understand civil reference words and do not take kindly to over hyped references. I realize you are trying to improve your LR score, but do so using an academic manner / choice of words.
Try not to refer to "recent research" since you are asked to refer to personal knowledge or experience. You can use the percentage data, but in a conversational tone. No need to make references to the source of information. This is just an academic discussion, not a research paper. When you say "recent research", you have to cite the source, which is not needed in this writing so it is better not to make any reference to sources at all.
Again with the use of "trigger" words. Do not create sensationalism where there is none. The word "alarmist" is totally exaggerated and refers to non-academic discussion. You are not writing for fake news here. No need to make people panic. Write in an even, calm, and academic tone instead.
There is no such word as "oneunnumbered". Were you trying to say "innumerable" instead? Do not use words you are not certain of, the negative impact of using uncertain words will be on your LR and GRA score.
There is no need to offer a suggestion regarding preventing the effects of obesity, This is a prompt deviation that will be deducted from your overall word count and will be taken against your TA score. Most specially since you used the suggestion for your concluding statement rather than the more appropriate reverse paraphrase presentation.