Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Whereas rehabilitation can heal druggies from the narcotic adiction, jail will give deterrent effect


Beauty17 56 / 88 5  
May 31, 2016   #1
Question :
Should drug addicts be jailed or rehabilitated ? Discuss both views and give your opinion !

Answer :

The best decision for drug addicts are jailed or rehabilitated. Whereas rehabilitation can heal them from the narcotic adiction, jailed is the best way to give, because this will give deterrent effect.

All drug addicts should be released from the desire to using drug and cured of addiction or illness due narcotics. Because of its condition can make detorioration in health of drug addicts and if the addicts do not stop using drugs, it lead to efffect on another emerging crimes.

Taking Freddy Budiman, a drug addict and also the biggest drug dealer in Indonesia. Besides using narcotics he also involve on free sex and violence crime againts reporter. Although he was life in custody and will face death penalty, he still selling narcotics from jailed. Not only that, but he also arrange narcotics connection in the world. Without known by police he also using narcotics and did free sex in there. Because of crimes still occur even have stayed in jail in Cipinang, Freddy Budiman eventually be moved to prison in Nusakambangan, Cilacap, Center Java that known as the most sinister prison in Indonesia.

All in All, to prevent that case appear for second times, it need to tigthtly kept and watched the offenders by police. So, it means to imprison drug addicts and drug dealer in tightly prison. It must to narrowing them space and limiting they communication with others outside of custody. But rehabilitation is recommended way to heal the addiction, and avoid the narcotics user to be re-offend.

ilankelo21 36 / 41 22  
May 31, 2016   #2
Hi Reza, it is important to know that in dealing with writing task two, you have to know what it actually looks like. Well. let me help you here. Writing task 2 generally consists of 4 paragraphs namely introductory paragraph, second paragraph, third paragraph, and concluding paragraph. While you need to address the building sentence and thesis statement in introductory paragraph, you are also required to explain topic sentence, explanation, example, and conclusion in the second and third body paragraph. A paraphrase of thesis statement and final thought or recommendation should be clearly described in the concluding paragraph. Therefore, the structure will be like this following example.

Intro. Paragraph
1. Background
2. Thesis statement
Body two
1. Topic sentence
2. Reason
3. Example
4. conclusion
Body three
-Same as what is written in body two
Concluding paragraph
A paraphrase of thesis statement and final thought or recommendation
I hope this will hope to improve your writing ability thanks :D
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 31, 2016   #3
Reza, welcome to EssayForum team! :) This is a remarkable place to share all about essay writing, especially IELTS essay. I hope you can keep participating in this forum by giving your thoughtful feedback towards other members' in this forum. I also remind you that the common problem of a new member is usually related to their feedback. One or two sentences feedback will be considered as meaningless feedback, and therefore your account will be suspended. You have to be careful later on.

With regards to your essay, I share the same opinion with Ilham. I think well-structured essay is really essential in either IELTS writing task 2 or task 1. For an additional feedback, I would like to focus on your lexical resource and grammatical accuracy part from your first two paragraphs. You can see the detailed corrections below:

- The best decisionpunishment for drug addicts are either jailed or rehabilitated. (decision? what kind of decision? being unclear since the first sentence is dangerous.)

- ...from the narcotic adictionaddiction ... (spelling error)
- jailed is the best way to givethem/criminals because this will give deterrent effect.
- from the desire tofor using drug and cured ofcuring from addiction or illness due to narcotics. (inappropriate collocation(s))
- Because of itsThis condition can make detoriorationdeterioration in health because of drug addicts. and(better make a new sentence) If the addicts do not stop using drugs, it lead to efffectaffectson another emerging crimes.

As seen, you still need a lot works to do. Do not hesitate to post another essay practice. This will definitely improve your writing skill in the future. Good luck for that! :)
Irvinhi 1 / 2  
Jun 1, 2016   #4
My introduction:
Narcotics is treacherous. There are myriad number of people who used deadening drugs. Majority people say yes to put drug user in prison, while some people argue that they should rejuvenate. This essay will discuss about both point of view before coming to a reasoned conclusion.


Home / Writing Feedback / Whereas rehabilitation can heal druggies from the narcotic adiction, jail will give deterrent effect