Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 10

William Osler - Can someone edit my introduction


aznpoo 7 / 23  
Feb 17, 2007   #1
I have been mention in the past my essay is extreamly confusing, I'm wondering if you understand the first part of my introduction. While you're at it, please feel free to edit I really need to get thsi essay done and get good marks.

-----------Essay-----------------------

If only my teacher were able to see through your eyes or mine. Should I write essay that will suit his needs or mine? Some of his 'correction" seem very unreasonable, I like the uses of metaphor in essay but his concept is to keep it "simple". I guess hes right for the most part, well here is my entire essay, thanks for helping me so far again. English is my second language and I have alway struggle in this, this really mean a lot to me. for the most part I have follow you and my english teacher. ps: Do you think he asking too much?

The conclusion seem very confusing, please reedit it so it will make sense for most people :)

The Opportunist

The body of the indigent William Osler was discovered near Calgary's 17 Avenue under a bridge.
William Osler had been filling his empty stomach from thrown out delicacies, untouched, that were left behind by a wealthy family of four and their dog. His daily routine included, probing through other people's backyard, in hoping to find a bone with a scrap of meat still hanging on it. His dignity and honor was set aside throughout the day, because his hunger has created a mind of its own; his continued existence was motivated not by the pumping of his heart or the drawing of breath into his lungs, but only by the incessant gnawing in his gut. William's misfortune was the result from past experiences with dealing with drugs. Often, these kinds of stories tend to be narrated through people that had experiences with gambling, drinking, or smoking. For most people that live under the poverty line, their immediate assumption is that their fate has already been determined. Opportunities were always open to William, due to Calgary booming economy, jobs were everywhere. He just rarely took the initiative to apply for a job, assuming every work place would reject him base on his social status. Hence, one of humanity mistakes is their inability to strive to the fullest when opportunities was given, but they would rather focus on the short term pleasures created by either entering into a casino or injecting the ten milligrams of cocaine into their bloodstream.

During a period of one year, an average news reporter would report 93 panhandler deaths or eight homeless deaths monthly. During this period, most of these homeless didn't make any attempts to move up the social ladder, in the end we see them munching on the excess portion of Paris Hilton Chihuahua. These people had the opportunities to do better in their adolescence years, but made bad choices.

As I stand above the Calgary tower, only looking up and dare not to look down, fearing that this beautiful image may disappear. I can see the vast skies, an office in the Energy Resources Building with my name cast on it, and a home in the upper class area of the city. As the sun set, I was suppose to get home, watch the 6 'o clock news and do a report on the 2005 feudal election. While waiting for the arrival of my train, an incident occurred. I was approach by a teenager about my age, requesting for a ten dollar bill. "I haven't eaten for days, would you kind sir lend me some money" pleaded the helpless stranger. This approach was rather overused but with the perfect facial expression it got the job done. As I move toward the entrance to my train, I saw my charity money was being transformed into a package of cigarettes. I was agitated at this stranger but more so at myself. This stranger had just used my generosity as a token to the gateway to drugs; in another sense I gave him an opportunity to change his fortune, but he took it for granted and made a fool out of me.

Unfortunately, over a period of two weeks I saw the same teenager on the local obituary. I, somewhat felt responsible for this man death, because I was one of the numskulls, indirectly, was buying him his drugs. From time to time, I would notice a human-like animal, searching through the vast garbage in search for nothing more then (metaphorically speaking) a can of dog food. What differentiates me and this human-like animal is that I eat off the table, while he eats off same ground everybody walk on. Despite the increase in social welfare program in attempt to cure homelessness, the rate just keep on rising. The government should have intervened more on rehabilitation rather then giving them a daily meal voucher; this in return will develop the concept of self-reliance among the homelessness rather then being dependent on the government for aid. All in all, it is in our human nature to focus more on the short term pleasures, which may lead to our own demise. Human belief and teachings act as an opposition toward this nature, attempting to balance the yin and yang in one 'self.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Feb 17, 2007   #2
Greetings!

You have some good imagery in this. It is, however, confusing, yes. It would be helpful to know exactly what the assignment was and for which class, but I'll try to give suggestions based on what I see.

"Filling the stomach with unwanted delicacies, which was left behind after a family of four and their dog has already eaten." - This is a sentence fragment. It is also ungrammatical; "delicacies" is plural, so say "which were left behind..." Same thing with "lungs were not breathing ..."

If this is the introduction, it would benefit greatly from a thesis statement. It takes too long to figure out what the essay is actually about. You need a thesis statement that explains what the topic of your essay will be.

If you'd like to tell me what the instructions for the assignment were, I may be able to be more helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP aznpoo 7 / 23  
Feb 17, 2007   #3
Thanx sarah, I will try my best. I will ge tback to you in like 2 hours with the intro corrected, you are really a help cause english is my second language.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Feb 17, 2007   #4
Greetings!

You've made great improvements! It's much easier to understand this way! I have a few editing notes for grammar and punctuation, but content-wise, I think your new approach is great!

Osler," said the news reporter.

probing through other people's backyards

dignity and honor were set aside

his hunger created a mind of its own, living day by day as if his heart were not pumping or his lungs were not breathing.

William's misfortune was the result of past experiences with drugs.

one of humanity's mistakes is their inability to strive to the fullest when opportunities are given, focusing instead on the synthetic illusions created by entering a casino or injecting the ten grams of cocaine.

up the social ladder. They preferred munching

That last line is particularly compelling! You wisely understood that using a specific example -- "Chihuahua," rather than a more generic "dog" -- gives the image greater impact!

Good work!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP aznpoo 7 / 23  
Feb 18, 2007   #5
Thanx sarah, you have no clue how much help you have done to me. You compliment me and gave me hope that I could write a better essay. I will keep on trying, and I hope you will keep on helping me. I will post my whole essay tommorow, and please use you're talent to guide me through this.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Feb 18, 2007   #6
Greetings!

All right, not to worry, deep breath! :-)) Let's take his comments one at a time:

He's right about getting rid of the quotation at the first to eliminate the need for a citation. If this were a short story, that would not be a concern, but since this is an essay, anything that indicates a source was used would have to be properly cited.

discarded delicacies (alliteration) - I can't tell if he's criticizing the use of alliteration or merely pointing out that you did it, that is, used words which begin with the same sound. Speaking for myself, I like it! :-)

William Osler has been filling ... His daily routine included - When your instructor says you've changed your tense, I think this must be what he means -- although it's hard to tell! I would have said "William Osler had been filling..." so that it would better match "included." Your instructor might not like that either, though; it's hard to tell what he wanted you to do with it.

other people's (possessive case?) - As far as I can tell, you used the possessive case properly here. I'm not sure what he was saying.

His dignity and honor was set aside throughout the day, because his hunger has created a mind of its own. Living day by day as if his heart were not pumping or his lungs were not breathing. (I'm not sure what this means. Are you say he's dead?) - I agree that your metaphor is a little hard to follow -- although I think your instructor knows perfectly well that you are not saying he is dead. Perhaps you could be a little clearer: "... his hunger had a mind of its own; his continued existence was motivated not by the pumping of his heart or the drawing of breath into his lungs, but only by the incessant gnawing in his gut."

these kinds of stories tend to be narrated (about) through (delete) people - I think he's wanting this to read: "...these kinds of stories tend to be narrated about people ..." Personally, I prefer your way, but you're better off pleasing him than me ;-))

When your teacher asks, "What opportunity did William Osler miss?" I think he is saying you are making somewhat of a leap of logic by assuming that Osler had opportunities he failed to act on, and that that is why he ended up homeless. He probably did, but without demonstrating what those missed opportunities were, you are not really supporting the argument on which your essay is based, that is, that some people cannot strive to their fullest capacity even when given opportunities. He had to have opportunities in order not to avail himself of them. :-))

synthetic illusions - Again, I like this phrase, but apparently your teacher wants to strip all the metaphor from your writing. (Picture me rolling my eyes.) All right, I suppose an argument could be made that "synthetic illusions" is somewhat redundant, since illusions are not real, and "synthetic" means something that is "not natural; artificial." But instead of explaining that it was redundant, he chose to use sarcasm, which isn't very helpful. (You don't need to tell him I said that.) ;-))

Ten grams of cocaine probably is excessive; perhaps you should look up what a "normal" dose might be?

But (beginning a sentence with a conjunction?) rather they prefer (Do they have a choice?) munching on the excess portion of food that was left behind by a Chihuahua.

- In fiction writing, you see conjunctions used to begin sentences (and I did it above, in this somewhat informal setting), but in writing a formal essay, it is frowned upon. I think when he asks "Do they have a choice" he is complaining about your use of the word "prefer," which makes it sound as if that's what they would rather do. However, I think an argument could easily be made that yes, they do, in a sense, prefer it; that's the point: these people had opportunities to do better, but made bad choices.

I hope this helps clear the murk a little! Let me know how it goes!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP aznpoo 7 / 23  
Feb 19, 2007   #7
Sarah you are great, I wish there is a way to repay for all you have done for me. Please keep on helping other people you're a great person and a commodity!!! You manage to change some sentence without changing my concept and you made it ever clearer, I wish you were my teacher!!!

I have follow with all your correction, Hope i get a good mark this time.

THANX A BUNCH!!!!
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Feb 20, 2007   #8
You are so welcome -- and your kind words are repayment enough! Best wishes with your studies! :-))

Sarah
OP aznpoo 7 / 23  
Feb 20, 2007   #9
I just receive back the "edited" version, after I sent this back to my teacher, immediatly got rejected and sent back with some of his errors. I don't get what does he mean by this.

The government should intervene more with rehabilitation rather than giving the homeless a daily meal voucher; this, in turn, will develop the concept of self-reliance among the homeless rather than making them independent(Did you mean to say independent?)on the government for aid. ~ If I change this to "independent", it will have a differenr't meaning, is my english that bad that a teacher can't even understand what I am saying?.

From time to time, I would notice a human-like animal, searching through the vast garbage in search for nothing more then(metaphorically speaking)Why use the brackets?a can of dog food. ~Can't you use brackets in a personal essay?

Unfortunately, over a period of two weeks I saw the same
teenager in the local obituary.
(Is a little hard to believe?) ~How do I make this more believable? What a critic...

And my essay was reduce to 75%, because the rest was useless infomormation. Most of my metaphor was strip away, changing my essay into a dull and boring personal essay. This is so stressful!
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Feb 20, 2007   #10
Greetings!

I know it is difficult when you have an instructor who sees things entirely differently from you -- we've all been there! :-) Sometimes you just have to say to yourself, "I will do the very best I can, and if that's not enough to make him happy, that's just the way it is and I can handle that."

As for his comments:

(Did you mean to say independent?)
The word you wanted was "dependent," which was what you put, wasn't it? Did he add the "in"? If so, I have no idea what he's talking about. It's as if he didn't really read what you wrote.

(Why use the brackets?)
Yes, certainly you can use brackets/parentheses in a personal essay. I guess it's not plain vanilla enough for him? (As you can tell, I'm on your side here ;-) )

(Is a little hard to believe?)
Did this incident really happen? If so, he's got nothing to gripe about; if you made it up for effect, I still don't see that it's all that difficult to believe. Maybe you could say "I was shocked to see a teenager listed in the local obituary who fit his description." I did wonder, when I read what you wrote, how you knew it was the same person ...?

You may have to accept the fact that you might never make this teacher happy, but here's a thought: do you have any examples of his writing (other than his cryptic criticisms)? When I was in school, I once had a professor who told us that probably everyone would fail the first writing assignment and have to re-write it. So, what I did was try to make my writing sound as much like his as possible. And wouldn't you know it -- only I and one other student (out of 76) did not have to re-write the paper! It might be worth a try!

Hang in there and remember -- the semester won't last forever!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


Home / Writing Feedback / William Osler - Can someone edit my introduction