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"Today is not a winter day yet. Why is it so thrill?" ; Narrative paragraph


James89 1 / -  
Nov 4, 2012   #1
Hey guys! I have an assignment on Narrative Paragraph,so I really need your comments. Please help me!
Thank you guys so much!!!!
"Early in a summer morning, the sky was full of gloomy clouds. At the time, Lily was laying herself on the grass thinking it would rain soon. She suddenly felt something strange.Either opening her eyes or breathing was difficult for her.Then, the atmosphere turned extremely cold. "Today is not a winter day yet. Why is it so thrill?" Lily shuddered.She felt like she was going to faint, but she did not yet. "I must wake up. However, none of my eyes can open!My eyelids stuck.So does my breath. How uncomfortable it is!"The silent voice in her head could not stop whining. Lily had never been in any situation like this yet. She tried to call her mom, but it was no help. All of a sudden, she felt fainted subconsciously.There came a dream. In the dream, she was ambling toward a waterfront at night. The street had all hit their beds, but Lily did not fear. Standing by the bank, she looked deeply into the water. There was a cry coming out of it. Weirdly enough, the cry was creating a downpour of tears. "Is there any one here?" no replies. "Lily started running the very long way. "What I see can never scare me!"She talked to herself. "But what's wrong with my legs?" She could not move her legs for the reason unknown to her. She looked down upon them. A ghost was hanging there on the air. Its hideous teeth hurt her calf. More horridly, it gave her a gruesome look. "Can't you please get off me?You get off me! I didn't do anything to you". She screamed in dismay. "Wake up! Lily! Do you hear me? You are ok?"The mother got her consoled.Her eyes opened wildly. Scarcely ever had she been this nervous before. She embraced her mom frantically and wept openly for joy. "Mom! It is over, isn't it?Is it really you being with me? What a nightmare it was!" Lily cried. "Wasn't it a beautiful dream!" the sister teased her. The family was having a great laugh thank to her."

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 17, 2012   #2
Either opening her eyes or breathing was difficult for her.Then, the atmosphere turned extremely cold.

---------- better rephrase this; it doesn't come clearly : (

Either she couldn't open her eyes or had a difficulty in breathing. Then, the weather suddenly turned extremely cold.

"I must wake up. However, none of my eyes can open!My eyelids stuck.So does my breath. How uncomfortable it is!"

I must wake up! But my eyelids are stuck and cannot open both my eyes. So does my breath ! Why do I feel so uncomfortable?

Lily had never been in any situation like thisyetbefore .

She tried to call her mom, but it wasno helpnot possible .

She could not move her legs for the reasonunknown to herdid not know .

You areAre yo u ok?"

Good Job! Interesting! : )


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