I wish... I knew Goa Gala-Gala. My narrative essay about a secret place.

Hello everyone... this is my narrative essay. I wrote this as the topics given. One of them is about secret place.
If you are in a free time, would you like please help my work to be corrected in a correct way? Thank you guys.

I wish...I knew Goa Gala-Gala

Summary: To this day, when people asked me about the most unforgettable experience I have, I would response it happily. It brings my memory back to an astonishing holiday in an amazing Island.

I had a plan to spend my holiday. I still didn't know yet where I should go. One day, I met Fernan in one of Public Libraries. He is my archeology friend. We had a good conversation. During the conversation, I told him that I didn't have any idea yet to where I should spend my holiday. Then he gave me a guided book. But he just wrote the name of suggested place without telling me where the exact address of it. On July 6, 2014. Finally, I went to the south east part of Bali Island called Nusa Lembongan as what Fernan wrote it on. I arrived in that place safely. I just used the guided book given. In there, I did not see anything that show signals of a kind of captivated place. Suddenly, I saw an old man sat down under a big tree. He was alone. Because of the dark situation, I got afraid that something bad would happen. But, I kept my positive thinking and mustered my courage up to close that old man. A few spaces from him, he turned his head and looked at me by saying "what are you doing here?" I tried to answer him, "I..I..want to go to a captivated place in here. My friend said I will find one. But..." He quickly interrupted me "Don't be afraid child, I let you show something." "what is it?where.." I said haltingly. "Are you deaf? Just follow me!" he said a bit loud. With no thinking longer, I stepped my feet and followed him. It took a few seconds to reach a place that looked like strange and hidden. He took the grasses off from the entrance door so I could see it clear. A cave? I thought. He capably guided me to come inside. It was so dark and deep. I felt stunned. There was a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom, a living room, a well, and a meditation room separated to each other. It looked so unbelievable! The old man said "This underground house was built by my grandfather 11 years ago. I hope your visit would break the secret image. I will be not lonely anymore if others come after this." I was touched of his saying and hugged him. "I definitely will!" I smiled while wiping tears in my corner eyes.

After that day, I kept remember him who had been a part of my life. This will not be forgotten ever!

Komang, your story's flow for me bring an abstruce. You say that you decided to go to Nusa Dua Lembongan to find out the Fernan suggested place. However, in the end of your story you say that the cave is built by your grandfather 11 years ago. Moreover, what about the old man, is he part of Fernan partner that serving to guide a surprise for you ?. How can he suddenly stay in a forest for waiting you ?

Probably, in those parts, you have to make it clear.


Look at on your verb and conjunction agreement in this sentence.


Allot is different with a lot . While it corrects that you use "allot", this sentence is identifying for overusing verbs.


It should be equivalently written.
ex : noun and noun or adjective and adjective


Are you deaf ?

Hopefully it helps

Well, actually, these kind of senses that I catch based on your work.
This is better, I think. Can I say, the place is not made by your grandpa but the old man's grandpa ?


. Thanks to this information, I suggest you to explain more on what kind of that place truly ? Is it a traditional accommodation that can use for commercial using ? or your experience is just a mystical as you met the old man suddenly in the forest ? then what about the Fernan suggested place? Is it the Old man place is Fernan Suggested place? or if it is different. Tell us briefly, why you are interested to stay in the old man place and not to continue your journey to find the Fernan's place?

Lastly,


Why you remember this experience, what kind of activities or moments that old man gives you as the memorable event throughout your life ?

This is an interesting story :)

thanks for the feedback my friend..
I got good questions from you.
well, my answers are as follows:
1. Yes, it is the old mans grandfather built it
2. Actually I would be love to explain more about the place but just I should limit the number of words given. So, yes you were right. My experience is just a mystical as I met the old man suddenly in the forest. and for Fernans suggested place, I tried to make it different. I meant, actually in the story I tried to play Fernan role to did not let me know the place explicitly. That is why I mentioned ;I did not see anything that show signals of a kind of captivated place; So like he just gave me a clue to me find a captivated place as he meant as I didnt know what it was. Does it make sense to you?

3. Actually, I didnt say that I stayed in that place for permanently. I f i can say, that I just found a new place and it was a secret place. So, if I had explain more the story in part of it, It could be that ;after knowing the underground house I found with the old man, I went back home afterward. So I didnt continue my journey and not think of Fernan suggested place anymore.

4.oh yah, you are right! It is still unclear information, isnt it? so I was intended to tell the reader that what I have done in Goa Gala-Gala with the old man has become my unforgettable experience that I can not forget it until now.

Ok, yeah . Hopefully it could make a clear sense to you. I have been being a very welcome and happy person to always have your suggestions. Thank you :)

Much better!
I have one more question though. If you thought the man was dangerous, why did you get closer to him? Maybe you can explain that (If I thought someone was dangerous, I would go the other way and come back later)

Here are some more corrections

Then he gave me a guided book. B, b ut he just wrote the name of suggesteda place without telling me where the exact address of it.

On July 6, 2014. this is an incomplete sentence. Is this when he wrote the address on the guide book or when you went to the place?

In there, I did not see anything that show signals of a kind of a captivatedting place.

Suddenly, I saw an old man satsitting down under a big tree

Thanks Iynzee for the question and much help.
In that case, I tried to make a stimulation to reader that there is a feeling conflict I have. So neither me actually, if I find a dangerous person I would avoid him/her, but in here I was trying to show my implied characteristic as a brave guy if you think so.

And also if I blow the story up like this: after I saw the old man I got myself avoid him and went to other ways. I think that the plot would be more than one and it would took me more explanations and paragraphs to write. It means that I probably get some new ideas to support the plot and would be a long story though (since in the fact I was given a limitation of number of words I should write, it is around 150 words. I think I have broken the rule :D)

Dont you think so?

I think that is my reason why.

Second, about the date I wrote. Yeah,you are right. I just realized that it is an uncompleted sentence. I intended to show the time I started to go to the place not when Fernan wrote the name on the book. Or perhaps I just remove it from the text because I think it is not really important thing I should show.Do you think it is better?

and also thanks for the useful corrections :)

If you have any ideas to talk to or give more feedback and corrections, please write anything. I would definitely glad to have it.
Thanks a lot.