Prompt: Discuss a person and describe his or her influence on you
The clock struck 10:00pm.
I looked up as the front door opened with a thud, and there stood a petite asian woman entirely soaked in her clothing. She wore a oil-stained waitress vest over a wrinkled blouse and gray pants that were much too loose. As water dripped from her pony tail, her feet slowly stepped out from the blue and white tennis shoes, revealing a pair of white, silk socks. She let out a sigh as her arm tiredly closed the door and stumbled slightly before catching a hold of the table. Finally, the woman walked to the couch and plopped down with a content sigh. "Wow, what a day! We had so many customers today! I am absolutely exhausted, but on the bright side, all my tips were really good!" she announced enthusiastically. The woman reached for a croquetted pillow and placed it behind to lean on, all the while musing over the funny anecdotes of the day. Her mild expression suddenly blossomed into a laughter as she began telling what she thought to be the most comical highlight of her day.
"Oh by the way" she said all of a sudden, interrupting her own story telling, "don't let me forget! The reason I was so late today was because I had to stay after closing to get Chef Chen's new Seafood noodles! Come over here! I knew you'd love this!" She flashed a smile and sprang up from the cushiony sofa, hurrying to a brown paper bag placed on top of the television. Her hands hastily unfolded the bag, reached in, and pulled a small plastic ounce-bowl filled with a red mixture of noodles and seafood. With one hand on her waist and a proud smile, she announced, "tada!"
This woman is my mother. As I extended my hand to accept the tasty treasure she has brought, I studied the face before me that relatives have always said I looked like. She sure is beautiful. Not beautiful in the conventional way, but one of those beauties that is timeless no matter how unkempt her hair or wet her clothing, one that radiates with bold courage. Moreover, this courage extends beyond surviving an abusive marriage, fighting for her right of raising her child as a single mother, leaving her home country for a land where she understood and knew nothing of, all to better the future of this child, in that throughout all the battles she won against fear and doubt, this woman never ceases to uphold an optimistic outlook on life. She always believes and reminds me that in all things are lessons to be learned and new opportunities to be taken. Therefore, it is through her that I not only acquired the courage to conquer life's obstacles, but also developed a sense of responsibility of helping to support my family and gratefulness for not throwing a hundred dollar bill in exchange for a pair of brand name jeans and making list that extends for pages of gifts I would like to receive for Christmas.
Nontheless, my eyes couldn't help but wander to the lines that were beginning to form on her once radiant skin-the creases upon her forehead, around the corners of her mouth, and a most noticeable pair between her eyebrows. I realized that just because she has a positive view does not erase all her reasons to worry. After all, there are still many trials of adversity as there are still bills to be paid, fights to endure with my stepfather, and work to get through while studying in a nursing school. Even so, she never ceases to bring love and joy to her family through the little things in life. In fact, her willingness to wait nearly an hour after work just to be able to bring me this one-ounce bowl of seafood noodles was just one of the many instances of just that. As my mouth savored the delicious taste of the noodles, I realize that it is now, my turn to share her burden. I am nearing the end of high school, and there is more I can do than just helping with house chores and working summer jobs. I have a new opportunity laying in front of me-an opportunity of an American college education, an opportunity envied by many of my peers in China and one that my mother never had. Therefore, I plan to take hold of this opportunity and repay my mother for the extraordinary things she has taught me.
With a last slurp of the Seafood Noodles, I proudly looked at my mother and said, "Mom, I've started my Common Application essay today."
Good evening.
You've got a good piece here, but I have a couple of concerns.
First, is mechanics. You've got a good underlying story here, but I'm afraid that the mechanical and grammatical errors will obstruct it. Mainly rules of capitalization; make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences only, and not capitalizing words that are not either. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.
In regards to content, your story is very descriptive, but I am worried that it doesn't entirely fit the prompt. The narrative describes who, but not how she has influenced you. If you spend a little more time with this, it will be a great improvement.
Regards,
Gloria
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