Woman's success or position around society has a mutual connection with a good character of children

Hay please help me to check my essay especially my developing paragraph.

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Women's role in a home teaching particularly for children is important to control out children behavior. In this day, a career woman as contributor of women success is often spoken that had reduced time between women and young age. While some opinions blame that increasing number of juvenile delinquency is caused of a busy woman in work, my views support that there has other cases why young men involve in conditions badly.

Admitted, a huge number of women activities had taken time so much outdoor in which their time lack for children at home. It is a determined effort which is really done by women what to do for fulfilled a family needed such as food, clothing and shelter. To illustrate, children's mom as an artist must be working hardly involving a rush hour and commuter five days a week pursuit family income. Moreover, they should be also surviving a job position likely a shape women identity in an existing career in modern era. In my opinion this is no issues for their lovely child because they could pay a baby sister keeping touch a son or daughter with a better way. As a result a good attitude which can be given by sister shelter.

On the other situation, a wide range of teenager problems, violence and high crime rate, is not as full as can blame a woman owing to various other activities such as Television and The internet, children play online networking faced a negative fighting video then they may imitate a video with friends. Therefore, a criminal act was there. So, these results are a further proof of children negative behavior, and not always the woman the cause of juvenile delinquency.

To sum up, I too believe if juvenile delinquency requires woman hands to care out boy or girl lives without kill women activities outdoor. Woman success or position around society has a mutual connection with a good character of children.

Diqon, you need to review the content of your essay very well. Your opening paragraph is a mess and not effective at all. To quote:


I have tried to read that passage a number of times and I honestly have to tell you that it is just a confusing gathering of ideas that lack coherence and logic. If I were the examiner reading your essay, I would not even go past this paragraph and I would fail you automatically. Remember, your introduction is the most important part of your essay because this is the part where you have the chance to prove your English comprehension skills by successfully restating the prompt in your own words and then voicing out your opinion towards the end of the paragraph for further discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. This paragraph just totally failed in all aspects for consideration.


Another mess of sentences that does not make sense. Let me reword this for you so that you can see how it can be improved:

Admittedly, women's professional activities these days have taken them out of the home. That is the main reason that they have lost time to rear their children the right way. They do not have time to be at home caring for them. Working outside of the home is not always supported by a personal desire of the woman to fulfill a sense of individuality through a career. Sometimes, women need to work simply because their family needs the money to survive.


This is the most confusing summation I have read from you so far. I suggest that you erase this essay version and try to rewrite your thoughts. Don't use time constraints at this point. Just write your opinion in the best way that you can. Make yourself understood. Right now, you are just confusing the reader and not making much sense. We will help you revise the next version if you want our help :-)