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IELTS writing task 2: Should women join the army? Just like men do.

PeterBrown 16 / 27 6  
Jan 7, 2018   #1

women in the military?

Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, a group of individuals believes it is necessary to make it possible for women to serve in the military, treating both genders equally. I strongly agree with this statement and will discuss several reasons behind this support.

First of all, while a small minority of men may feel indifferent whether or not women have to serve in the military, most men would feel being unfairly treated. This is not at all surprising as men will have to make sacrifices after agreeing to serve in the military: labor force experience, a romantic partner, and time. To illustrate, John, one of my friends, had to serve in the army for five years; accordingly, he lost work experience and his future wife - Mary. Mary could not postpone her marriage any longer as her parents forced her to do so. Therefore, most men would prefer pursuing their dreams during those years instead of working in the army.

From a female perspective, although most of them may feel reluctant to join the army, provided that they are rational, a few of them may take it as an insult. This type of women, in particular, believes that by not letting women serve in the military, society will continue to discriminate people based on their gender, most women will never be promoted to a higher position, and they will never be able to live a happy life. For instance, two of my female friends have always been experiencing discrimination at work, and they believe that one of the major factors that has contributed to sex-based discrimination is the fact that women are not permitted to serve in the military. Therefore, it would be a win-win situation if women are allowed to serve in the army.

Finally, it is also vital to have the same number of men and women in the army - a 50-50 split - as both sexes need to learn more about one another; otherwise, they will not be able to communicate with each other effectively once they finish their military duties. It is extremely likely to end up working with the opposite sex at work; in fact, in most organizations, women make up about half of the workforce. Peter - he finished his military duty last year - finds it arduous to work and get on with women in the workplace due to a lack of experience. This has resulted in him being fired without notice.

In conclusion, most men and some women are of the opinion that women should have an opportunity to serve in the army; otherwise, they will feel being mistreated. And given the importance of being able to communicate successfully with women for men, women should be given a chance to enter the military. I therefore, firmly believe not only men but also women have to serve in the army.

It would be great if someone could give me an approximate score for this essay.
Thanks for your time!

Holt [Contributor] - / 6,899 1718  
Jan 7, 2018   #2
Peter, the score for this essay cannot be higher than a 4 because, while you presented a position in the opening statement, the rest of the discussion is unclear. Your ideas are not really on point. The discussion is neither here nor there in reference to the discussion and the information that you present is not well supported. I will grant that you presented information in your essay but the first paragraph, about the men who sacrifice personal desires does not really relate to the discussion. Then you discussed some issues about workplace discrimination, which does not directly relate to the discussion about women in the military. These discussions were incoherent and and did not help create a progressive response in your discussion. Your vocabulary is acceptable but unfortunately, doesn't relate to the prompt discussion you were presented with. You also use connecting words such as "And" to start your sentence in the conclusion, which shows a lack of sentence structure and grammar usage knowledge on your end. Before I forget, your opening paragraph comes in under the required minimum of 3 sentences. The creation of the run-on sentence for the second sentence shows that you need to work on your sentence structure requirements. Remember the paragraphs need to have at least 3 sentences, no less. The bottomline is, you have the right thesis statement at the end of the opening paragraph, but the whole essay doesn't create a proper context for the discussion along the lines of the prompt requirements. There are other essays here based on the same topic. I suggest you read those examples and learn from the advice that was given to your predecessors so that you can learn what kind of response is expected for this kind of prompt discussion. Just click on the similar discussions button to get access to the similarly themed essay samples.
vietduccan 3 / 5 1  
Jan 10, 2018   #3
I think the way that you organized the essay was probably wrong because of some reasons.The topic requires you whether you agree or disagree toward the statement should women serve in military but your body completely misunderstood it. The statement of first para that you wrote should be how men feel when they serve in military while the statement of your second para refers to how women feel when they are not involved in military.

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