Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2


IELTS TASK 2: WOMEN AND MEN EXCLUDED FROM SPECIFIC JOBS ?


Shinigami97 10 / 16 1  
Aug 22, 2014   #1
Topic: Woman and men are commonly seen as having different strength and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Due to the unique characteristics from men and women, it leads to the distribution of both genders in some specific areas which are determined by their aptitudes and weaknesses. However, some believe that women should not enroll in male-dominated areas and vice versa. Under my perspective, this idea is indeed rational in some ways.

To begin with, certain posts which include predominantly either males or females may be allowed. Apparently, there may be certain jobs whose requirements are decided by the distinct natures of genders. Taking primary teachers as an example, young students tend to be obedient towards the female teachers due to the familiar natures with their mothers. Additionally, those jobs that require fine physical conditions such as coal mining, logging or building should remain to be done by men.

On the other hand, there are occupations when opening to both genders would create diversity of distinct advantages. In political area, men incline to outnumber women, whilst females also have a vital part in the system. For example, Hillary Clinton, the secretary of State, has confirmed "smart power" as the strategy for asserting U.S. leadership and values, by combining military power with diplomacy and American capabilities in economics, technology, and other areas and also has encouraged empowerment of women everywhere. Hence, when jobs vary to both genders, they would gain significant benefits of their fields.

To conclude, there are particular jobs that may categorize either males or females due to certain requirements. However, they can make advantages of their abilities when the employments include both genders.

[257 words]

Hope to see your feedbacks
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 23, 2014   #2
leads to the distribution of both genders in some specific... --- This sentence got a little too long and out of control. I'll show you how to use 'due to..' here like this:

Due to their different characteristics, men and women sometimes are not offered the same job opportunities.

Another way to fix the sentence is like this:
Women and men have different characteristics associated with gender, and the differences lead to a situation where one gender or the other might be excluded from specific jobs.

I see how you are using 'vary' here and it is a good idea but it is not really correct:
Hence, when jobs vary to both genders, they would gain significant benefits of their fields...
You can say: When jobs are offered to people of both genders, the professional field associated with that job is enriched.

I think your message in this essay is great; the same principle applies to diverse workplaces in general, where people of various races, beliefs, and perspectives all work together toward the same organizational goals.

: )


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: WOMEN AND MEN EXCLUDED FROM SPECIFIC JOBS ?
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳