I think your idea is pretty clear, the way you convey your reason is, too. But I think your paragraph just has too many ideas, causing the overload of intake for the readers. I suggest combine the first and second reason into one, might be better don't you think? Maybe you should elaborate on 3 or maximum 4 supporting ideas.
well this is just a matter of personality, but I think if you can write this into a full essay would be much better (yeah I know that it only requires to be a paragraph)
And remember to add the kind of test you are in for better assessment, next time will you?