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Work for the company or go for our own business?


apieceof 3 / 5  
Jun 30, 2011   #1
Would you like to work for others company or to go into your own business? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

MY ESSAY:

The issue of whether to work for the company or to go to our own business is thought-provocative. As far as I am concerned, running our own business is preferable to me. There are two reasons to explain why I think so.

Firstly, running our own business is one way that can make our dreams come true. If we worked for others companies through our full lives, we could never fulfill and demonstrate what we are looking forward during our lifetime. Take my close friend-Emma-for example- she has worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years and she never felt satisfied with the company. In the end, she quit her job in this spring and started doing what she had been longing for-opening the coffee shop. Like most beginner, she encountered countless difficulties and experienced plenty of disappointing and struggling-leaving her ex-boyfriend for totally focusing on her business, selling out all her valuable property such as luxurious house and car for accumulating more capital, and losing 10 kilograms weights. However, she barely complained about these tough/ hard circumstances/situations but regarded them as challenges and testament the God sent to make her stronger. Finally, she passed through all those torture and learned many lessons from mistakes. At present, she has already opened another branch of her coffee shop successfully.

In addition, we can possess more freedom by running our own business. We enjoy our everyday works regardless how urgent works are. On the contrary, we stay in the changeless routine when we have to work for others- getting into the office, meeting with supervisors from each departments, introducing new programs to customers, checking the income and outcome of annual financial report, and then backing home wearily. Days are always the same, like the train always keeping itself on the constant track, and gradually we lose the sight of our goals and the passion of lives. However, since we are only responsible for ourselves, we are able to stay in more energetic status and face any situation of lives positively.

All in all, going into our own business is more appealing to me since we can be much stronger and happier and, the most important of all, get our dreams come true.

Thanks for your revising! So appreciated!

123nnt 4 / 11  
Jun 30, 2011   #2
HI apieceof! I'm not very good at English so I can't help you very much. Your essay is very good!!

If we worked for others companies through our full lives, we could never fulfill and demonstrate what we are looking forward during our lifetime.

I think this sentence would be:
If we worked for others companies through our full lives, we could never fulfill and demonstrate what we are looking forward to during our lifetime.

Take my close friend-Emma-for example- she has worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years and she never felt satisfied with the company.

Take my close friend-Emma-for example- she has worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years and she never felt satisfied with the company.

selling out all her valuable property such as luxurious house and car for accumulating more capital

selling out all her valuable property such as her luxurious house and car for accumulating more capital

In your first paragraph, I think you should give a few words to explain why you prefer going for your own business to working for the company.

In your second paragraph, you have focused too much on the example (Emma). I think you should add more reasons, supporting ideas in this paragraph.

Your conclusion paragraph doesn't state the main idea in the third paragraph clearly.

This is a topic from TOEFL, right? I'm taking the TOEFL iBT on July 23rd.
Good luck with your study and your life :D
Becool 4 / 6  
Jun 30, 2011   #3
Hi, Your essay is very good. I noticed some minor mistakes.
As far as I am concerned, running our own business is preferable to me. "To me" seems redundant because you have already used "as far as I am concerned." Therefore, you could write something like - "As far as I am concerned, running our own business is better for two important reasons."

Take my close friend-Emma-for example- she has worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years and she never felt satisfied with the company.

Take, for example, my close friend Emma, who worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years...

"for-opening the" It is actually written as "for--opening the"

I hope this should help you a little. Reply me if you have a different opinion regarding the edition.
Geenesh 21 / 29  
Jun 30, 2011   #4
If we worked for OTHER companies THROUGHOUT OUR LIVES, we could never fulfill and demonstrate what we are looking forward TO during our lifetime.

....she encountered countless difficulties and experienced plenty of DISAPPOINTMENTS and STRUGGLES -leaving her ex-boyfriend JUST TO FOCUS COMPLETELY IN her business, selling all her valuable PROPERTIES such as luxurious house and car TO ACCUMULATE more capital, and IN THE PROCESS OF DOING SO losing 10 kilograms OF weights!

We enjoy our everyday WORK regardless OF how urgent OR DIFFICULT THINGS ARE.

On the contrary, we stay in the SAME routine when we have to work for others- getting into the office, meeting with supervisors from each departments, introducing new programs to customers, checking the income and outcome of annual financial report, and FINALLY RETURN home wearily .
OP apieceof 3 / 5  
Jul 1, 2011   #5
Hi! Geenesh~
I have seem your apply and I am appreciated. I have some questions so could you explain more to me.

IN THE PROCESS OF DOING SO losing 10 kilograms OF weights!

On this sentence, Is "So" a pronoun representing all things above?

Could the sentence make some small changes like

"..., and losing 10 kilograms OF weights IN THE PROCESS OF DOING SO."

Wish you reply, thanks.
Geenesh 21 / 29  
Jul 1, 2011   #6
- yup its like because of doing all the stuffs u mentioned above, she lost 10 kg...

- what i wrote kind of never suit ...m sorry...
it could be in the process of doing so, she lost 10kg - no need to put of after kg..
- i m not sure if the in the process of doing so fits well in the sentence, u will have to ask other experts here.. :) m just like u trying to learn new stuffs..


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