Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Essay about work/life balance IELTS TASK 2

TimeaL 1 / -  
Jul 25, 2016   #1
Hello everyone, I just sing up for this forum to expand my ability in writing and seek for help. Would you able to look at my essay about work/life balance?

Thank you and have a nice day!

More and more people claim that modern work patterns are a source of stress. What do you think are the causes of this? Can you suggest some possible solution?

It is hard to imagine a world in which everyone is satisfied with their job. Many people work in order to earn money to pay their expensive such as the cost of living, mortgage. These expenditures have greater concern than job satisfaction. It is believed that the majority of people dislike their job and unhappy about the adverse working conditions.

First of all, it is no matter if you are an unskilled, blue-collar worker in a manufacturing industry or a white-collar worker in service industry job security are concern both with the knowledge that you may lose your job any time does not make you feel happy.

Moreover, in many cases the employers put a lot of pressure on employees or the job is so demanding that takes over your life and working unsociable hours makes you neglect your family and friends. Another negative factor is a physical job where you do the same job every day then you end up with physical injury or nowadays called "repetitive strain injury".

With all these negative factors it is hard to believe that there is any solution. Money is a good motivator as everyone want a good salary. A good work/life balance can improve job satisfaction. For example provide an incremental scheme or perks such as free lunch or a car can make a difference to make a job worthwhile.

Unfortunately it is not easy to find a decent job. It also a solution to forget the office and factory work and become self-employed and work for yourself. It offers freedom and flexibility
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 25, 2016   #2
Hi Timea, welcome to EssayForum :) I would be glad to help you by mentioning some of your weaknesses. This can help you to strengthen your essay in the next practice later on. I hope you can find my feedback below would be useful towards the improvement of your writing, especially IELTS task 2.

- If in a real test you forgot to give space for each paragraph at least 1 enter, it could be dangerous towards your final grade. One of the criteria for band 4 mentioned that "may not write in paragraphs or their use may be confusing" . It might looks simple, but it is essential part in IELTS writing.

- You need to make sure that for each supporting / body paragraph, it consists of 3 sentences minimum, preferably 4 or 5. I assume that your second paragraph was just only 1 long-complex-but-confusing sentence. This should be avoided, it is better to combine the third paragraph (2 sentences) and the second paragraph (1 sentence). Perhaps the brief explanation would be as follows:

> First of all, it is no matter... (1st sentence)
> Moreover, in many cases... (2nd sentence)
> Another negative factor... (3rd sentence)

- Lastly, your essay was lack of conclusion. You need to write a concluding paragraph in the last. "No conclusions drawn" is one of the criteria of band 5. If you want to reach band 6 or above, you have to write a concluding paragraph in your essay. For your information, I would like to show you what a concluding paragraph should look like in short description below:

Concluding paragraph:
- 1st sentence (paraphrase the thesis statement from your introduction paragraph / summarize all the information into 1 final sentence)
- 2nd sentence (write a recommendation/fear/suggestion/hope for the future)

That's it Timea, I hope that you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck for the next practice :)
Daniel1998 4 / 8  
Jul 25, 2016   #3
Hello. First of all expenditure doesn't have plural form.
I also do not understand the sentence: Many people work in order to earn money to pay their expensive such as the cost of living, mortgage. I think you wanted to use "expenses".

I did not count the words but it seems to me you didn't reach 250 words, which is the minimum number required. You get penalty for being under 250 words.

I think you need to thoroughly revise your essay because there are some serious grammar mistakes. Unfortunately, I hardly see this essay scoring a band 5 at least. Although you used some academic words to emphasize some interesting points, what the IELTS examiners really demand is an essay written correctly in terms of grammar so I advise you to focus on this aspect more.
jobymonpj 8 / 17 1  
Jul 26, 2016   #4
Hai timea
I think you didn't spend enough time to analyze and understand the question. The question clearly asks you to describe reasons for the stress associated with modern work style and suggest some solutions for it.

If I were you,I would have written like this
1 para.-intro-
agree with the question that workers are stressed with their job
we live in materialistic society,so we aspire to earn more and more money and work hard for it
we are given time limit to reach targets in office(strict deadlines)
competition is extremely high for promotion
find time to spend time with family(work from home)
take up a hobby to ease the stress
taking regular exercise and eating a healthy diet
take regular holydays
paraphrase you intro.


I am not an expert in ielts writing so I can be wrong as well,but I belive that it is of pivotal importance to answer the question.

Home / Writing Feedback / Essay about work/life balance IELTS TASK 2