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ngtlinh 1 / -  
Apr 21, 2023   #1
Hi guys, I need help for the IELTS task 2 essay, I'm new to IELTS Writing so if you have any comments, feel free to add in. I appreciate all of your answers.

[i]Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, there is an increasing number of people staying at home, working and studying online via modern technology thanks to its affordability and accessibility. This essay believes that this is a detrimental change because spending too much time on technological devices could leads to physical health problems and this trend might result in the issue of social isolation.

The first reason for my disapproval of home working and schooling is that this could pose a serious threat to the public well-being. In order to keep up with the latest work, people have to spend hours looking at the screen and sitting at a certain place to take part in video conferences and online classes, write reports and emails,... As a result, people might suffer from a number of health issues such as eye strain, obesity, and poor posture, which results in poor performance at work and study, and especially put a strain on the financial budget. According to the Time to Focus report, in the UK, £25.2 billion was allocated to treat eye problems in 2020, when the citizens had to work and study online as a consequence of the Covid-19 pandemic.

Moreover, online working and studying is the culprit of isolation from society. Staying at home alone for a long time prevents people from having face-to-face interaction, which makes people become familiar with loneliness, avoid meeting others, and gradually feel difficult to integrate into the community. As a consequence, they are more likely to struggle with mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. For example, the WHO reported that the COVID-19 pandemic triggers a 25% increase in the prevalence of anxiety and depression worldwide because of the lack of real-life interaction.

In conclusion, the development of technology allows more and more people around the world to work and study at home. I believe that this is a negative trend because this would harm the public well-being and increase the number of people isolated from the community.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,886 4564  
Apr 22, 2023   #2
This essay believes

Incorrect sentence formatting. The writing instruction is asking what your opinion is. Since the essay cannot write itself, you must take ownership of the opinion you are presenting. Use the correct first person pronouns otherwise suffer the consequences of a lower GRA score for that paragraph.

You created a run on sentence in the last part of the first paragraph which will result in a lower C+C and GRA score. The opinions and ideas should have been separated as in:

This essay believes that this is a detrimental change. because spending too much time on technological devices could leads to physical health problems. and this trend might result in the issue of social isolation.

...online classes, write reports and emails,...
Proper English grammar allows for the use of one punctuation mark at a time. You cannot follow up a comma with an ellipses. GRA points will be deducted for incorrect punctuation usage.

There are several deduction points in this essay that could lower the score to a failing one. Take note of the errors and please improve upon these in your succeeding essays.

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