I understand that there is a 30 minute time limit on writing a TOEFL essay. However, you still need to follow the I-B-C rules when writing an essay. That said, I can offer you the following advice:
Most people want to work for an employer, because they want to feel secure about their salary, or feel comfortable about other problems of having own job such as paying tax, worrying about selling, etc. Despite these problems, personally, I would prefer to have my own job. My arguments are listed as follows.
-You need to develop this introduction. Starting with the main reason why people work. People work because they need to earn money in order to buy things that will help us survive in this world. But there are different methods of earning money. Explain the different reasons people work in different work settings before you launch into the thesis statement that tells the reader that you prefer to work for yourself because of a set of reasons.
First, time is the more valuable thing, which I have in my life. By having my own business, I can manage my own time. I could work whenever I want, or I do not need to give reasons to my boss for a delay. I can arrange time to travel when I would like. In addition, I can work long hours for earning more money. Totally, the most important reason for me to be self-employed is the sense of free.
- You have a very good start here. But you should open immediately with the sense of freedom and better time management that comes with working for oneself. Your reasons are solid but need to be edited for coherence. My suggestion follows.
- I love the freedom that working for myself provides. I manage my own time and thus work longer or shorter hours depending upon my business needs. This offers me a more relaxed working atmosphere that inspires me to better at my job.
Moreover, earning money is the fundamental reason that why people work. The amount of money is always the most important criterion for everyone to choose a job. If I work for other people, I have to give my ideas to employers cheaply. Therefore, I never have been rich in my life, because my salary is not dramatically changed. In spite of many problems of having own business, I can earn more money based on my creativity and personal ideas.
- This is a good statement that should definitely be mentioned. But you can say it better this way:Earning money in order to survive is the fundamental reason people work. By working for myself, I get to keep the company profits instead of having to share it with others. So this work setup allows me to develop a more stable financial situation for myself.
To sum up, in spite of the fact that many people are not eager to work for themselves, I would like to run my own business to control my own time, and to earn more money based on my noble ideas.
- These are the reasons why I would rather be self-employed. It offers me a world of professional growth and opportunities that would be stifled in other work settings.
Truth be told, you should also discuss the reasons why people sometimes opt to work in the other work environments. Just to offer a basis of comparison between your choice of self-employment and the other options. You can do it in every paragraph that you are discussing. After all, the best way to strengthen your argument is to show the weakness of the other arguments :-)