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Toefl: work for themselves vs work for employer


hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Sep 8, 2014   #1
Hi everyone
Please help me to find my mistakes and errors ,I have just 45 days for being better in my important exam!
Some people prefer to work for themselves or own a business. Others prefer to work for an employer. Would you rather be self-employed, work for someone else, or own a business? Use specific reasons to explain your choice.

Most people want to work for an employer, because they want to feel secure about their salary, or feel comfortable about other problems of having own job such as paying tax, worrying about selling, etc. Despite these problems, personally, I would prefer to have my own job. My arguments are listed as follows.

First, time is the more valuable thing, which I have in my life. By having my own business, I can manage my own time. I could work whenever I want, or I do not need to give reasons to my boss for a delay. I can arrange time to travel when I would like. In addition, I can work long hours for earning more money. Totally, the most important reason for me to be self-employed is the sense of free.

Moreover, earning money is the fundamental reason that why people work. The amount of money is always the most important criterion for everyone to choose a job. If I work for other people, I have to give my ideas to employers cheaply. Therefore, I never have been rich in my life, because my salary is not dramatically changed. In spite of many problems of having own business, I can earn more money based on my creativity and personal ideas.

To sum up, in spite of the fact that many people are not eager to work for themselves, I would like to run my own business to control my own time, and to earn more money based on my noble ideas.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 8, 2014   #2
I understand that there is a 30 minute time limit on writing a TOEFL essay. However, you still need to follow the I-B-C rules when writing an essay. That said, I can offer you the following advice:

Most people want to work for an employer, because they want to feel secure about their salary, or feel comfortable about other problems of having own job such as paying tax, worrying about selling, etc. Despite these problems, personally, I would prefer to have my own job. My arguments are listed as follows.

-You need to develop this introduction. Starting with the main reason why people work. People work because they need to earn money in order to buy things that will help us survive in this world. But there are different methods of earning money. Explain the different reasons people work in different work settings before you launch into the thesis statement that tells the reader that you prefer to work for yourself because of a set of reasons.

First, time is the more valuable thing, which I have in my life. By having my own business, I can manage my own time. I could work whenever I want, or I do not need to give reasons to my boss for a delay. I can arrange time to travel when I would like. In addition, I can work long hours for earning more money. Totally, the most important reason for me to be self-employed is the sense of free.

- You have a very good start here. But you should open immediately with the sense of freedom and better time management that comes with working for oneself. Your reasons are solid but need to be edited for coherence. My suggestion follows.

- I love the freedom that working for myself provides. I manage my own time and thus work longer or shorter hours depending upon my business needs. This offers me a more relaxed working atmosphere that inspires me to better at my job.

Moreover, earning money is the fundamental reason that why people work. The amount of money is always the most important criterion for everyone to choose a job. If I work for other people, I have to give my ideas to employers cheaply. Therefore, I never have been rich in my life, because my salary is not dramatically changed. In spite of many problems of having own business, I can earn more money based on my creativity and personal ideas.

- This is a good statement that should definitely be mentioned. But you can say it better this way:Earning money in order to survive is the fundamental reason people work. By working for myself, I get to keep the company profits instead of having to share it with others. So this work setup allows me to develop a more stable financial situation for myself.

To sum up, in spite of the fact that many people are not eager to work for themselves, I would like to run my own business to control my own time, and to earn more money based on my noble ideas.

- These are the reasons why I would rather be self-employed. It offers me a world of professional growth and opportunities that would be stifled in other work settings.

Truth be told, you should also discuss the reasons why people sometimes opt to work in the other work environments. Just to offer a basis of comparison between your choice of self-employment and the other options. You can do it in every paragraph that you are discussing. After all, the best way to strengthen your argument is to show the weakness of the other arguments :-)
xatutik 12 / 29 10  
Sep 8, 2014   #3
Hi :)
You have strong arguments on which your position is based.
Though I myself is not very good at grammar, I will try to mention mistakes I've noticed.

, or I do not need to I believe here you should write I would not need
sense of freesense of freedom
reason that why people workreason why people work (you do not need "that" here)
I never have been rich in my lifeI will never be rich in my life (use future tense)
my salary is not dramatically changedmy salary will not change dramatically

The amount of money is always the most important criterion for everyone to choose a job
You are very strict here. Maybe you can say "The amount of money is very important criterion for many people to choose a job." Thus you will admit, that though for many it is very important, there can be some people for whom money is not in the first place.
OP hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Sep 8, 2014   #4
Truth be told, you should also discuss the reasons why people sometimes opt to work in the other work environments. Just to offer a basis of comparison between your choice of self-employment and the other options. You can do it in every paragraph that you are discussing. After all, the best way to strengthen your argument is to show the weakness of the other arguments :-)

Thank you a lot vangiespen:) You help me a lot. I understood all your tips which are logical. But, other contributors told me that it is better to focus on which side you agree and avoid to compare with other side. Therefore, I do not know which idea I have to choose to develop my essay.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 8, 2014   #5
I do not know which idea I have to choose to develop my essay.

A hundred people will have a hundred ways of answering any essay. Each of them believing that their position or method of answering it is the right and best one. Each one will instruct you on how to do it "properly" which is more often than not, how other people would answer the same question. It gets confusing when you consider all the advice that you receive. I find that the best way to answer any essay comes from understanding the prompt very well and then tailoring my answer to fit the prompt. That said, you need to know that there is no right or wrong way of answering a TOEFL essay. You should just answer the essay in the best way that you know how, in the method or format that you are most comfortable with. That way, you can deliver the answer that you feel best answers the prompt :-) Don't let all the suggestions fill your head and confuse you. The final decision on how to answer the prompt lies within you. That way, you can never go wrong :-)


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