Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

IELTS TASK 1 Other worker's salaries, teacher's salaries and furniture and equipment

Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 7, 2017   #1

annual disbursement of UK school

The three different charts illustrate the yearly disbursement of UK school and it is measured in percentage between 1981, 1991 and 2001. Overall, the proportion of expenditure spent on has considerably varied movement. Over 3 decades, while teacher's salaries were still highest proportion, insurance was still lowest spending.

Other worker's salaries, teacher's salaries and furniture and equipment were the largest proportion. In 1981, approximately 40% of the teacher's salaries spent, compared to about 28% and 15% respectively of other worker's salaries and furniture and equipment. 1991 witnessed a virtually identically decline of furniture and equipment and other worker's salaries, at 5% and 22% respectively. In the same year, teacher's salaries indicated the sharp plunge at 50%.On the other hand, 2001 witnessed the similar fluctuation of other worker's salaries and teacher's salaries. While the figure of other worker's salaries and teacher's salaries dramatically dropped, at 15% and 45%respectively, the percentage of furniture and equipment enormously increased, at 23% approximately.

On the other hand, the insurance and resources books had a virtually similar trend. In 1981, the amount of insurance and resources books stood up 2% and 15% respectively. In 1991, the percentage of them experienced a sharp growth, at 3% and 20% respectively.2001 witnessed their similarity, between 8% and 9% successively.

tuantu1710 1 / 2  
Mar 7, 2017   #2
Hi Uyęn,
I have read your essay and t think your introduction and overview was so good !
In your body, I just have a suggestion to limited your using comma.
EXP : "While the figure (...) dropped, at 15% and ..."
It was not necessary to using comma in this situation
Hoping to work with you next time :))
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,617 2512  
Mar 7, 2017   #3
To, there were 3 pie charts presented, each with the same pie descriptions but with varying percentages. Therefore, the essay should have been presented in a comparison manner for each division in the chart. Grouped together, it should have been one paragraph each for the other worker's salaries, teachers salaries, furniture and equipment, resources such as books. Discussed in a grouped manner, the comparison would have shown a clearer summary of the relevant information in relation to the yearly expenses. The way that you presented the chart information is confusing and does not really leave the reader well informed. Due to the wrong format of your discussion and incomplete discussion, I believe that the score for this essay would be no higher than 4.
yuukinohan4 9 / 24 6  
Mar 8, 2017   #4
Hi @tuantu1710
Actually, i get your view of grouping. However, some sentences made your writing applied repetition.

On the other hand, 2001 witnessed the similar fluctuation ...

Those sentence seemed that you elucidated trend of worker and teacher salaries, then you objected to compare with other figures. It should be better if you directly compared them without red-marked sentence.

Turning into your first body paragraph, it appeared continuing from your overview. I just suggest you to use opening sentence before directly explain your main idea such as a closer look at, at first glance, firstly, first of all, etc. Take a look at your word order adverb-adjective-noun as a phrase. It needs to be fixed.

Hope it helps you. Gudlak.
OP Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 8, 2017   #5
In this essay, in the body , how about the detail paragraph 1 , I will make comparison between teacher's salaries and other worker's salaries .
In the detail paragraph 2 , I will make the comparison between insurance , resources books and furniture and equipment. If it is not good please tell me what I should do in detail parapragh 1 and 2 ( the maner for any pie charts which more than 2 pie charts)
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,617 2512  
Mar 8, 2017   #6
To, there are a total of 4 sections in the pie chart. Since you can only present a 5 paragraph essay composed of an introduction, a maximum of 3 bodies of paragraph, and a conclusion, you will have to get creative in the presentation of the information. I suggest that you group the discussion by sets of 3 with the largest indicated figure of the pie chart being discussed as a stand alone paragraph because the largest figures offer the most opportunity for you to present a wider comparison discussion which can help improve your overall score. Again, there are no right or wrong formats for writing these essays. It all depends upon how you analyze the information present and how you wish to inform the reader about it. My suggestions are meant to help you learn how to assess the proper presentation for each prompt you are given.

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Other worker's salaries, teacher's salaries and furniture and equipment