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IELTS-GT (task2): Working Extended hours should restricted. (Agree/Disagree)


Naveed786 8 / 21 4  
Apr 24, 2014   #1
Dear Friends,
I would be grateful if you could review my essay from all perspective, including " Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, grammar.

People tend to work longer hours nowadays. Working long hours has a negative effect on themselves, their families and the society, so working hours should be restricted. Do you agree or disagree?

Working longer hours is becoming prevalent in these days. There is a saying in my native village, "Health is Wealth". I believe many of people including me are not really considering the importance of health. The need for increased working hours might be because of enhanced competitive environment and desire to acquire much money and promotion. However, people working for extended hours have been found having adverse effects on their health and personal life. In my opinion, a balance between personal and professional life should be created by restricting maximum number of working hours.

First of all, many of us would agree to the fact that people; who prefer working longer hours, do not find time to focus on their health. By working too long, they often become tired, lazy and reluctant to carry out physical exercise in order to remain fit and healthy and eventually loose health and become sick. Moreover, they become extensively addicted to their work and become workaholic type persons. The repercussion are so severe that their families and friends remain deprived off their attention and in the end they end up losing balance between their family and personal life.

Secondly, these workaholic people do not spend time for the contribution of society by actively participating in any social campaign. As they usually remain busy in their office so they do not find leisure time for such social activities. For instance, I would take my boss's example; he has been working for extended hours in office for many years. Recently, his health and personal life was drastically affected as he broke up with his wife and his family life has totally been in chaos and cries. He started regretting afterwards and now trying to manage his work but it seems to be too late for him.

To conclude this, I would strongly emphasis and recommend, Government must include the clause of maximum number of working hours in its Labor Law and enforce to all companies for ensuring their employees do not spend extended hours in companies. This will help in uplift of society, and bring the lost equilibrium between personal and professional life of each individual person.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Apr 24, 2014   #2
Working longer hours is becoming prevalent in these days

Working longer hours has become a very common scenario nowadays.

There is a saying in my native village, "Health is Wealth".

... well, this point you should have taken up in the body paras. Intro is not the place for this.
niesaysi 16 / 290 85  
Apr 24, 2014   #3
I believe many of people including me are not really considering the importance of health.

Give first the background of your topic, before expressing your view.

First of all, many of us would agree to the fact that people; who prefer working longer hours, do not find time to focus on their health.

You do not need to use semi-colon and comma ( in bold) there.

By working too long, they may often become tired, lazy and reluctant to carry out physical exercise in order to remain fit and healthy and eventually loose health and become sick.

This is considered to be lengthy.

Moreover, they become extensively addicted to their work and become workaholic type persons .

It seems that you just recurred the idea.

Good luck :)
tiandteo 4 / 2  
Apr 24, 2014   #4
I think this essay is quite good, but if you shorten the introduction paragraph and share ideas into the body pragraphs, it will make the essay better.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 25, 2014   #5
Health is Wealth

Well, you'd better rewrite this expression. What I see is that many students think the memorization of a well-known phrase or saying is much more acceptable. As a result, they use it every time when they write. And to tell you the truth it doesn't impress the examiner at all. You may get penalised.
sevan_777 2 / 3  
Apr 25, 2014   #6
I would strongly emphasis and recommend, Government must include the clause of maximum number of working hours in its Labor Law and enforce to all companies for ensuring their employees do not spend extended hours in companies.

it is better to omit comma
I would strongly emphasis and recommend that Government must include the clause of maximum number of working hours in its Labor Law and enforce to all companies for ensuring their employees do not spend extended hours in companies.


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