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The world has become more advanced than in the past. The family structure and capacity has altered.


annanthaayu 7 / 12 4  
Dec 19, 2018   #1
In recent years, the family structure has changed, as well as family roles. What are the changes occuring? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?

the change in family roles and structure



Today, the world has become more advanced rather than in the past. Regarding to this, the family structure and capacity has altered in order to take part with the times. In my opinion, this is a negative changes which can inflict matters in the housewifery and affect the child's development. Furthermore, it will be discuss below.

One serious problem that can be arise from the changing in family structure and role is that it can provoke the housewifery problem. For instance, many mothers decide to be a career woman, leave the house, and hand the house affairs over to the assistant. Moreover, some women also require their husbands to handle duties at home and take care of their child. This will be triggered a dispute even to divorce in the household relations.

Another issue is that it will be interfered the children development. Some studies have reported that many cases of juvenile delinquency caused by the lack of parental function which affects children's development. To illustrate, the modification of roles and structure can be deflected the real function of parents in the family. As a result, the children will endure lack of attention and affection because the parental role is weak. According to this, the transformation in family capacity should be considered in order to avoid several matters in relatives.

To conclude, although it has common to change family roles and structure, it has brought several problems in the relationship between husband and wife and also impact the children progression.

Hlx 2 / 3  
Dec 20, 2018   #2
Hi @annanthaayu
I am not professional, thus you can take my suggestions patially. In my opinion, the beginning of your essay is too abstract. You should response how on earth have the family structure and family role changed? For instance, the family size might be smaller compared with that 50 years age; The gender equality improved; The responsibily of every family menber reallocated. Only based on this point can you further expand your examples. Normally, you should put forward three examples to support your claim, or it seems kind of weak. In addition, in order to make a summarization, you should sum up all your sub-points, instead of copying the prompt. It is vague to use Although because you never refered to the positive aspects of this change.
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Dec 21, 2018   #3
Annantha, you have a noun phrase problem in this essay. The term "negative changes" should have been written as "negative change". You need to change the verb form since you presented an auxiliary word "discuss". As you are still talking about it, you should say "will be discussed" instead. That shows the ongoing status of your presentation. There are several other presentation problems in your essay but I believe that these are the most pressing that need to be addressed in the presentation.

Your opening paraphrase is a hanging phrase. It ends with a sentence that does not make much sense since yo used the term "Furthermore" which means in addition to or besides. You did not add information nor did you expand the discussion. Therefore, this paragraph is short of the 3 sentence minimum paragraph requirement. A clearer and more acceptable paraphrase is:

The past few decades has shown a change in family dynamics. There are several reasons for this changes which I will be discussing in this essay. Based on the changes that I will be presenting, it appears that there is a negative trend occurring within the family structure.

In the second paragraph, you did not need the connecting word "be" for the first sentence. Simply saying "can arise" shows the use of the connecting word "can", there is no need to add "be" as it is a redundancy.

Since you are in the present time and discussing this essay, the present tense must be used throughout the references. Therefore, it is not "interfered" but "interfere". You can say "can be deflected" because that phrase does not make sense. Rather say "can change the real function..." You should never say "according to" unless referring to a statement made by another person.

You wrote a good concluding summary, but you wrote it as a run on sentence. Next time, separate the presentation into 3 sentences since there is a minimum sentence requirement and you will lose GRA points for writing run-on sentences.


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