Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

The World & Experience - UC Prompts

dresdenflyer 1 / -  
Oct 7, 2012   #1
So I've been doing the 2 UC Prompts for my English class and I need some feedback on them. I'm sorry since this this is the first time I've written personal statements. From my POV I've focused too much on the list mentioned below and overdid it. The one I did for Prompt #2 also seems to overlap into Prompt #1 now that I think of it...

- Provide a word count for each essay.
- Provide information that is personal, meaningful, and aesthetically (artistically) rich
- Employ vivid imagery, diction, detail, and description
- Employ literary devices such as analogy, simile, metaphor, personification, hyperbole, understatement, etc.
- Employ sentence variety

Prompt #1: "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

When I was young, born shy yet restless, I lived in a world that greatly amused me. My world, the state of California, was a fanciful zoo to me. I would wander about simply to look at my surroundings, indifferent of being cast away into a sea of people and pinched out by scolding worriers. Within that kaleidoscopic sea, myriads of people would swim: those with dark eyes, those of tall graceful stature, and more. Not only were people entertaining to me, but nature was too. The way light paved itself on flowers in a diseased charming way, the gritting growl of a dog, and the night chills; it all touched me profoundly. From these I started to draw, starting with yellow and blue giraffes. Later on, my world closed within the confines of my house due to my parents.

During my isolation I withdrew from the world like a turtle retreating into the hollow of its shell. Since there was not much to do in matters of consuming time, I would do housework. Other than that I would do my homework and study and if not, draw or sleep. I then developed an interest in words and kept a small notebook to write them down to use them in my writing or speech. In some ways, according to my family, I became a walking dictionary. Because of frequent readings, I became interested in learning how things and people worked and why. I also kept notes and discarded them when I have memorized them.

Due to what I have dabbled in, I became handy with groups and projects. While learning and carrying these out, I became open-minded and tolerant. I sought out learning what I can reach, specifically learning about connecting people from various backgrounds together. Having done this, I made connections and learned about people and ways of living. All this in turn has benefited both me and others.

Growing up in an environment that gave me room to wander when I was younger instilled within me wonder and curiosity. Being taken away from it into seclusion turned my manner, like it was mentioned, cautious and reserved. From both environments I acquired skills and the traits to be observant and accepting. I intend to augment my nature in order to assist while being able to learn. Because of being surrounded by necessities without lifting a finger, I want to earn what I am given. Seeing those without basic needs on the streets and within the Philippines made me aware that I am fortunate, so I seek to earn what is given. Living in a beneficial environment enclosed and brought me to the conclusion that I will not grow. This has made me want to break borders and is important in my motives and my desires to travel. A place of my own, college environment, and part-time job would help me in achieving these things. The three mentioned would help me to achieve what I receive, learn, and help others.

Prompt #2: "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"

Throughout my life I had been taught that working consistently and persistently is the best way, when all else fails, to achieve. At the age of when I was able to simultaneously stand and think, I along with my siblings was put to household work. I was taught to do basic things such as dish-washing, dusting, and laundry. All the while, the constant output and input of household work led to my ability to see through with a task. It made me able to deal with menial work. However the things I have done, along with household work, are of a rather peremptory nature. I am able to make do, work with, and work on all sorts of things yet I lacked a firm disposition. Any of the things I had done aside from the sake of doing, mostly academical subjects, were because I was told to do it. I basically had no direction nor gumption to do things for myself and not upon another person's orders; I worked at a consistently and persistently aimless direction.

Further on into the still adolescent age of fourteen, an age in which I was at the zenith of social blunder, I found friends that took a collective role in my life. These friends-to whom I will not specify due to their core significance-were strange to me. They were strange in a way that they were striding leisurely upon an aimless direction while I busied myself struggling like a volatile, gangly-legged horse. What made me note moreover was that, despite not finding reason, they were content with this as if they had purpose. They, with their anchored grimaces hoisted away with the ability to pick themselves up, were able to live strong and not complain at what tasks them. Seeing these friends of mine exhibit these characteristics taught me that not everyone and everything has a decided final action and direction. Learning this, I realized that I should not be so impatient and nervous about finding an purpose in things done and things I must do.

Meeting these friends that I have met and learned from has allowed me to utilize the skills that I had acquired and able to assist others, but with more enthusiasm. The experiences I've shared with my friends are important to me because they inspired in me to be able to put effort into what I start. This relates back to the person I am since I view myself as one who sees things through and helps others with tasks and problems. It also relates back to the person who I aspire to be which is to be a diligent person who keeps her mind open to possibilities and different ways of thought. I have also developed a goal to work within the medical field in order to help others. In that way I would be able to learn different ways of things while doing what I believe that I do well at, which is to be of assistance.

shmegg 7 / 26 1  
Oct 28, 2012   #2
ïto whom I will not specify due to their core significanceï

Leave this out

Learning this, I realized that I should not be so impatient and nervous about finding an purpose in things done and things I must do.

You talk a lot about your friends, so to compensate you need to add more analysis like the sentence above. Keep analyzing HOW and WHY your friends influenced you. After all, this essay is about you.

Home / Writing Feedback / The World & Experience - UC Prompts