[IELTS WRITING TASK 2] The world is heavily dependent on oil for energy

Oil dependency

Hi,

I am currently practicing writing IELTS TASK 2, and please help me to improve my essay below.
your feedback is appreciated :)

The world is heavily dependent on oil for energy, which is unsustainable due to global warming. What future resource do you think will take oil's place? Why do you think this?

Most would agree that oil will not remain the world's main energy source indefinitely. With major breakthoughs in humanity's ability to harvest power from the sun, I believe that solar power will one day become a healthier and cheaper alternative to petrol. This will be shown viable by looking at the positive impact of solar energy on the environment and how its price has decreased.

Firstly, solar energy is environmentally friendly. Since solar panels convert energy from sunlight into electricity, solar farms do not produce air pollution, water pollution or greenhouse gases. This is a significant advantage compared with oil and coal because fossil fuel combustion for electricity generation produces a huge amount of global warming emissions such as carbon dioxide. Using solar wafers to harvest the sun's energy could eliminate global warming as it leads to a decrease in the demand for thermal energy, therefore curtails carbon emission released. Such benefit to the environment illustrates why solar energy is fit to take over oil as the world's top energy source.

Secondly, as solar technology develops it is becoming a much cheaper energy source. Several developments in solar cell structure have dramatically boosted their efficiency, meaning that they are capable of producing much more electricity from the sun. This results in the falling price of solar energy, while the price of oil energy is estimated to keep rising because current oil fields are becoming exhausted. As people are driven by price, it is clear how solar energy will take the place of oil as humanity's next major energy resource.

In conclusion, despite the fact that humanity is still reliant on oil for energy, this dependent will not last long because of global warming. In my opinion, the solar power's positive effect on the environment and its falling price make it a great alternative to oil in the foreseeable future.

Your essay has too many words. You should practice being direct to the point and not being over analytical in your discussion for an opinion essay. You should save the analysis for the task 1 essay presentation. In this instance, be direct to the point in the quickest way possible. While your presentation may be grammatically correct, you did produce more problems on the spelling, coherence, and clarity side. This stemmed from your over writing in the essay. If you had written the advised 250-290 words, you would have written the right amount of words, and avoided the pitfalls of long essays, which is the forced errors in other scoring sections. These errors remain unchecked because you tend to write too close to the 40 minute deadline, leaving you with little or no time to check your draft before submission.

Errors include:

Spelling:
breakthoughs = breakthroughs

Clarity ( better word choices help with clarity)
This will be shown viable by - This will be shown WORKABLE by
... energy could eliminate global warming... - ... could CUT global...

Conciseness ( for clarity issues)
... are capable of producing - ... can produce
In my opinion, the solar... - The solar power's
the solar power's - solar power

Overused Expression:
foreseeable future - near future

Your opening paraphrase is also incorrect. Your first sentence should be a proper restatement of the original topic, based on the same reasons provided in the original. It could have been:

Fossil fuel is not a finite source of power. Use of these non-renewable energy channel also has a direct effect on our environment via greenhouse effects. I believe that a viable alternative would be solar energy...

You did a better job on your concluding summary except, you forgot to include a restatement of the reasons why you chose solar power as a proper alternative energy source. By the way, since you are not showing ownership of solar power, you do not need to use an apostrophe S at the end of that word. You misused the punctuation mark in this instance