Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

IELTS Writing task 2 - Most of world's problems are caused by over-population.


aprilw 1 / 1  
Apr 13, 2020   #1
TOPIC: Most of world's problems are caused by over-population.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

--------------

ANSWER:
The world today is faced with many problems and I believe the root cause of them is over-population.

The booming population is the underlying reason of financial crisis worldwide since decades ago. Unemployment rates have been strikingly high in many countries due to computerization. Labors are freed from repetitive work and numerous occupations become outdated. On the other hand, thanks to medical advancement, people enjoy a longer life span, increasing expenses on pension for governments. It is no wonder why governments of several countries (Iceland, for example) went bankruptcy.

When it comes to another major concern - environmental problems, over-population again should be blamed for. Global warming, caused by excessive gas emissions and over-reliance on air-conditioning, has led to the melting of glaciers and a rise in sea levels. This, of course, has a lot to do with a rising population who are indulged in modern conveniences. Also, animals are losing their habitats, making room for the humans and their concrete jungles. Consequently, species have gone extinct at alarming rate.

Furthermore, over-population has contributed to many sensational political disputes. The need for petrol has been on the rise due to the demand of increasing drivers in both developed and developing countries. This, however, has caused conflicts between oil providers and buyers, bringing about sanctions and wars. Moreover, countries fight sovereignty of territories for interests and so-called well-being of their fast-growing population, at the cost of many innocent lives.

In conclusion, the uncontrolled population has been the fundamental reasons of global financial, environmental and political problems.

---------------

Appreciate all your comments. Thank you.
ede2011031 1 / 3  
Apr 13, 2020   #2
Rewrite the topic on your own words in the introduction and mention what are the key reasons you are going to discuss.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,397 4385  
Apr 13, 2020   #3
You have not followed the correct format for the presentation of this essay. The first paragraph in a Task 2 essay is always used as a prompt paraphrase. That means, you deliver an explanation of the original prompt, including a response to the discussion question/s (when required), you do not change the prompt by creating an opinion essay from the very beginning. So, this essay will be seen by the examiner as having an inappropriate format. The proper rephrasing for this essay is:

The world is admittedly, beset with seemingly unsolvable complications. The reason being given for these problems is that these all stem from the overcrowding of the planet. I am strongly in favor of this belief due to a few considerations.

As you can see, your response is not proper. You have not answered the question provided in the original prompt. In the process, you have accidentally changed the discussion slant of the essay. That means, your response does not have a proper format. However, what I did see in the reasoning discussion is that your response has become partly correct. The only missing aspect? A proper response to the degree question. Had you done that, your essay would have had a better chance to score in a passing manner.

The question is not whether you believe overpopulation is the cause of the world's problems. The question, is to what extent you agree with that given assumption? Your degree of (non) support should have been supported by 2 applicable reasons. Your essay did not meet these requirements and therefore, cannot get a passing score.
OP aprilw 1 / 1  
Apr 16, 2020   #4
Thank you @ede2011031@ Holt@ hellohello123


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Most of world's problems are caused by over-population.