How much would you rate this essay out of 30?
Male leaders have only led us to violence and wars. If the world was ruled by female leaders, it would have been peaceful. Do you agree or disagree with this statement.
It is found that, since the ancient period of time, men have ruled over the world and many wars have taken place during their rule. Many believe that the main reason behind all the conflicts and wars is the fact that men dominated the world and if women were the leaders, there would always be peace and harmony. I believe that the gender of the leaders do not determine their actions and the opportunity to be a leader should be based on the qualifications, moral values and leadership skills of the person rather than their gender.
Firstly, all male leaders have not led the world to wars and conflict. Wars were more common in the period of male leadership than female leadership as women have received little to none opportunities to become a leader. The crowning of leaders used to be gender-based presuming that females are incapable of ruling due to their fragile nature. Owing to this, leaders were chosen according to their genders rather than their values and beliefs. This partial system gave opportunities for degenerated male leaders to oppress the nations and started wars for their insatiable desires to conquer the world. This necessarily does not prove that all male leaders are amoral. There are many examples of male leaders, who have fought for peace and harmony like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, Muhammad Ali and many more.
Secondly, this also does not mean that female leaders are, in anyway, inferior to male leaders. There are various examples of female figures, such as Mother Teresa, Malala Yousafzai, Aung Sang Suu Kyi, Susan B. Anthony and many more, who have contributed the world peace. However, there are some female leaders, like Queen Elizabeth, who disrupted peace and brought tumult caused by conflicts in many nations. The world has been facing violence and wars mainly because there is a dearth of equality between male and female leaders. If females also obtain equal opportunities as male in every sector then only worthy individuals can be the leaders of the nations.
To put it briefly, wars are indeed more common under male leadership but this neither indicates that all male leaders are responsible to political conflicts nor proves that all female leaders will definitely lead us to peace. Instead, it signifies that the system of ruling and choosing the leaders has been biased until now. I believe that peace and security of a nation can be obtained only when leaders are appointed on the basis of their virtue, expertise and principles.
Hi Subi, I was enjoyed to read your essay. It is an informative writing to me and I do love the excellent arguments of yours. You may consider some revisions from me to develop your writing:
It is found that,Since .."
ManySome people believe.."
andThe .." Better separating this sentence into two.
"..the gender of the leaders does not determine.."
"..sector, then only worthy.." Please put a comma between the word "sector" and "then" as the pattern of the sentence requires you to separate the ideas by using comma.
I noticed that you often use the word "many". Try to replace the word with the synonyms as the word many looks less academic. It would be great if you post the revised version of this essay so we can give more advices to your writing.
When it comes to scoring, I would like to give 25 on your writing. I think that some polishments can give you better score. Keep practicing, Subi!
Subi, I can see that you got a very-comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum contributors. I hope you can follow through the remarks given. However, I do really like the development of your essay. It was well-developed and clearly depicts all the ideas to the reader. I also share the same opinion as Akbar does. The usage of 'many' seems too obvious and looks repetitive. Therefore, minor revisions have been given, and you only need to do a slight modification towards your essay.
If you ask about score, I reckon that it is somewhere between 23 out of 30. This is because your position is somewhat unclear by not mentioning clearly your side, either agree or disagree. You can put your clear position in the introduction part or conclusion paragraph. In addition, your body paragraphs were lack of conclusion. While first body paragraph ended up with only giving some examples, the second body paragraph was left behind without concluding sentence. These made your essay cannot reach a maximum score.
There you have it Subi, this is only my prediction and my feedback. Good luck for revising this essay :)