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IELTS writing Task 1 : Worldwide Market Share of Mobile Phone Market in The Years 2005 and 2006

liv_ryu 13 / 22 6  
Apr 9, 2016   #1
The table illustrates the global trade share proportion of cell phones for businessman measured by percent over a 12-month period beginning in 2005 and ending in 2006. Overall, it can be seen that Nokia is of the highest percentage of market share in the course of a year, while Motorolla boost sharply in the end of the period.

Move to more detailed analysis, several companies had improved their market service for a year. Motorola saw a remarkable rise, higher development than Nokia, by 3.4 and 2.5 respectively. Evolvement as 1.1% was shown by Sony Ericson from 6.3 to 7.4 from 2005 to 2006.

In contrast, lots of factories made a shrinking market during one year. BenQ Mobile experienced twofold less market share than last year in 2006, followed by Samsung which reached almost a 1-percent decrease. 6.3% market shares is gained from LG in 2006, and this proportion declined over the period, while others also had a significant reduction from 19.2 to 16.2 between 2005 and 2006.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 9, 2016   #2
Lily, I reckon that your writing is getting better. I notice some improvements here. Yet, you accidentally still created only 2 sentences for your introduction. Is that difficult to compose at least three sentences? Moreover, some tenses inconsistency were occurred, and then my suggestion is that you have to try to be more consistent for the next one. If it should be in past form, (usually there is a timeline) make it in past form. If it should be in present form (usually there is no timeline), make it in present form. Now, for a detailed corrections about your grammatical errors. See the descriptions below.

- by percent the percentage / the proportion
- it can be seen that,(comma needed) Nokia iswasof the highest percentage...
- course of a yearevery year.
- ...boostboosted / grew sharply..
- MoveMoving to more detailed analysis
- share than last year in 2006(if you already mention 'last year', no need to mention the number, it will be redundant)
- market shares is were gained from

Good luck for the next essay practice :)

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