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Worldwide sales of video games in dollars - IELTS Writing Task 1 Practice on 2016-01-18


weirdquark 1 / -  
Jan 30, 2016   #1
Please to help me to revise this essay and give me any further idea. Many thanks!

The bar chart demonstrates the statistics of the amount of the dollars about the worldwide sales of video games from 2000 to 2006, which are grouped into four kinds of plateform, including mobile phones, online, consoles and handgeld devices.

Except for console games, there is marked growth of sales of video games year by year in other platforms which results in significant rise of total sale amount in this 7 years. Mostly, the sale performance of handheld games is at least two times better than that of any other platform over the 7-year period.

Since no data of mobile and online games in year 2000, console games obtained fewer than $6 billion, whereas handheld games earned almost near $12 billion. During the next 3 years, sales of console games gradually dropped downd to around $4 billion. On the contrary, the performance for handheld games increased by about $4 billion. Mobile phone and online games began to enter the market in 2001 and 2002. Both of them came to $4 billion in 2004.

According to the chart, in 2006, sales of handheld, online and mobile games stand at peaks of 17, 9 and 7 billion significantly. But conversely, revenue of console games fall to half of itself from 2000.




puykcyt 2 / 3 1  
Jan 30, 2016   #2
Hi!
There are a few misspellings in this paper such as platform and handheld but I am going to assume they're just errors that were missed the first time you proofread.

Within your second paragraph there are some awkward sentences, here is how I would reccomend changing them:
there is marked growth of sales of video games year by year in other platforms -> there is a marked growth of yearly video game sales on other platforms

I would also recommend using "On average" instead of mostly in the next sentence.

"Since no data of mobile and online games in year 2000, console games obtained fewer than $6 billion..." I'm not completely sure what you're saying here; I would recommend finding a way to better connect the two clauses.

"whereas handheld games earned almost near $12 billion"; the use of near in this sentence is repetitive because it is the same thing as almost. Your last sentence is fine except the use of "But" to start the sentence.Using conversly alone to begin the sentence would be perfectly fine.

Overall,your paper is successful in conveying information about the graph, but I would reccomend taking the extra effort to make sure your ideas are clearly expressed even if it seems obvious to you.

Wishing you the best!


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