Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

IELTS GT 2 worldwide trend of vegetarianism which supposed to be beneficial to our health


plforielts 4 / 11 5  
Dec 1, 2019   #1
Hi all, it's me again. Grateful for any comments and I'm really not familiar with this topic, how could I perform better if I really encounter some topics that I've never thought of?

====

Some people choose to eat no meat or fish.


They believe that this is not only better for their own health but also benefits the world as a whole.

Discuss this view and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

You should write at least 250 words.

====

There is a worldwide trend of being vegetarians as they claimed that this is beneficial to our health, as well as our mother earth. It is worth to understand the points of views from different stakeholders before turning into vegetarians.

Firstly, recent researches show that eating too much meat, especially red meat, would lead to over-nutrition and thus some common modern diseases, such as diabetes and blood vessel blockage. In this connection, more people advocate of being vegetarians for more balanced diets and nutrition. However, I do not recommend relying on vegetables to get all essential nutrition, for instance, some types of amino acids have to be obtained through meat.

Secondly, some point out that growing plants would be more environmental-friendly than animal agriculture because the animals require feeds and produce different types of greenhouse gases. However, I doubt this concept as both industries are not the major sources of greenhouse gases. Industrial activities should be the major cause of it.

Lastly, balance of consuming variety of food should be the key so as for a sustainable development of the world, and for our better health. When people demand for different types of food, there would be less chance to incline in one single type of crop growing or animal feeding. Take our country's policy as example, our government encourages farm rotating to ensure the farming activities would not exploit all the nutrition in the soil at one time. In such way, it could help sustaining the ecology of nature.

(250 words)

mguo 2 / 3 1  
Dec 1, 2019   #2
@plforielts

Hi Good Evening, hopefully some of my feedback is helpful for you, feel free to message me anytime and ask for anymore suggestions.

I think that your arguements are well structured but there is a lack of something to state your opinion in the introductory paragraph, For example in the second and third paragraphs, you wrote about the effects of eating too much meat and the contrasts of relying on vegetables, in paragraph two; you mentioned enviromental friendly benefits and etc. I would try and state your arguements in the first paragraph so that the reader has an idea of what your opinion is.

That is just my opinion, and I would reccoment seeking some other source as well, and taking mine with a grain of salt.

Cheers!
OP plforielts 4 / 11 5  
Dec 4, 2019   #3
@mguo
Thank you very much for your comments! Oh yes, I should rephrase briefly about my points in the first paragraph!
roswita116 16 / 37 17  
Dec 6, 2019   #4
@plforielts
Hi there. I would like to give you some feedbacks about your writing.😁😁

First of all, for IELTS writing task 2, you must write a conclusion in the end of your essay, otherwise, you will not get a good band score if you do not write a conclusion.

Secondly, as you rise a question that if candidates encounter a topic which they have never thought of, I would like to suggest that just write it base on your knowledge and experience. No matter how silly of the reasons or examples, you can just write these ideas down cause on the task, they already indicated that "Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples..." For example, I have encountered a task which asked me why printed media is getting vanish, at that moment I totally did not have any idea of it, so I just wrote down that cause printed media such as newspaper was made by wood and have ink on it, it may cause people to make their finger dirty due to the action of flipping pages and unfriendly to the environment.

It is more important that how you to "expand" your idea and make your idea "logical"rather than thinking a best reason or idea.

Hope my feedback would help.😁😁
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Dec 6, 2019   #5
Helloo there... let me give you feedback. Overall, you have written a good essay, but some areas need to be improved.

Let's start with the introduction. Here you need a slight improvement on your claim. Instead of stating one idea, " becoming vegetarians, you'd better discuss why some groups agree with the statement of both being healthy and benefitting the whole? Stating your claims exactly upfront makes your essay easy to understand.

Another point to consider is the discussion about growing plant. This issue is less likely to cover the rubric. You'd better omit this and discuss other topic related to the issue.

I am not sure enough that the last paragraph can be categorised as the concluding paragraph. If your essay missed the conclusion, then your score in Task Responses will be deducted.

Hope this helps,

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher in Kampung Inggris Pare
OP plforielts 4 / 11 5  
Dec 7, 2019   #6
Thank you both @roswita116 & @eddies!

Your comments do help a lot and yeah, writing introduction and conclusion are my weakness parts in writing. got to put more effort on it!


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS GT 2 worldwide trend of vegetarianism which supposed to be beneficial to our health