what money brings to us?
With the development of technology. Human can approach to many facilities which helps many people can earn money compared to the past. As such, money have been become plays a crucial role in many people's daily life. Human can gain many benefits from money. However, it also has some negative effects too.
On the one hand, technological advances have resulted in the increase in workers efficiency and productivity which means they will get higher salary to pay for their family's needs and daily expense such as nutrients, drinks, insurance, taxes,... . Moreover, people can live anywhere, buy anything they want when they have enough money. Besides, money is used to purchase things. Without money, the economy of a country will not be able to develop stably which causes many conflicts. For instance, the United States is one of the country that has the biggest economy in the world. Each year, an American can earn more than 60.000 dollars. This helps many people improving their standard of living.
Nevertheless, money also has its drawbacks too. Due to the importance of the money, many people focus too much on earning the money and don't care about their health and their family which is not good for children to learn and follow. Furthermore, it can lead to many family conflicts. Many studies have proven that family with member who is always concentrate on making money are often unhappy and quarrel.
To sum up, although there are some drawbacks of the money, we still can't deny the profit money brings to human.
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The question to be answered relates to the disadvantages of having money. There is no technological reference in the original discussion that would warrant its constant mention in the writer's discussion essay. Technology as a discussion foundation should not factor in the presentation as it is an unrelated topicthat led to both an inaccurate prompt restatement and altered writer's opinion. Both of which will result in an automatic failing preliminary score. Neither presentations follow the discussion instructions.
One of the reasoning paragraphs also targets technology as an advantage topic. He does not explain how technology createsa monetary advantage. The discussion is misfocused and as such, further deviates from the topic. This is a different problem from his last reasoning paragraph that lists disadvantages but does not develop a thorough explanation for there ideas.
Based on these discussion problems alone, excluding the other errors in the other scoring areas, it is already clear that this is not a passing essay.
regarding the conclusion, you should summarize several drawbacks of money before reaching your conclusion. You could use common structures to highlight drawbacks and benefits such as While there are several drawbacks..., I still firmly believe that...
"... develop stably which causes many conflicts". You mentioned " conflicts" but what conflicts. The following example is irrelevant.
"many people focus too much on earning the money and don't care about" , "we still can't deny" - do not use contraction in writing
"Many studies have proven that families with members who are always concentrating on money-making are often unhappy ones due to frequent quarrels.