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Writing - How to write an effective formal email


Quyenhuynh 1 / 1  
Nov 18, 2021   #1

employee letter to his manager



Hello everyone, this is my writing assignment at school and I am looking for some feedback as I am not sure if my email writing is formal enough. Thank you all for your time and your feedback.

The topic of the email is about an employee writes to his manager to discuss the training program for the employess.

Dear Mr John Robinsons,
I am Kelman Shavers from the sales team. I am writing this email to discuss about the next training program that I would like to take part in.

As you have already known, our company has just acquired Kelman Shavers, a company which is used to be our rival. For that reason, the number of sales team's members has increased significantly as the result of the buyout. However, the two sales teams do not seem to fully cooperate with each other. They do not show the team spirit as they used to work in rival situation.

Acknowledging the current situation, I would like to come up with plans or activities to connect these two distinct groups together. I suggest that our next training programs could include several workshops or seminars in which the topic should focus on several different techniques to build a good team's spirit, or ways to enhance the bond between team's members. By combining these knowledges in the training program, our sales team as well as myself can understand more about the importance of teamwork and the ways to form team's culture and how to maintain the bond in the long - term.

I hope that you take my suggestion into consideration. Please reach out to me if you would like to discuss further in the future.
Regards,
Kamal Satinder
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,948 3858  
Nov 19, 2021   #2
You cannot use the company name as your personal name in the letter. If the company is named after you, then there was no need to acquire the company. You owned it all along. You cannot buy your own company. Change the employee name to something other than the acquired company name. I noticed that the name of the writer is different at the end of the email. So the incorrect name at the start was just an oversight?

In addition to that, you will need to provide an employee background summary in relation to the proposal you are about to present. You have to present your background to allow the reader specific reasons to listen to your suggestions. Being a mere member of the sales team, you cannot make suggestions that will have a direct effect on the company relationship with the employees. Only members of the Human Resources department can do that. You will need to change your company position to make your plan of action more believable. You may refer to a sales team situation in the email that requires your suggested actions to be enacted via employee team building and training schedules.
lenjoy 2 / 3  
Nov 19, 2021   #3
Who is writing the email? Kamal Satinder or Kelman Shavers
OP Quyenhuynh 1 / 1  
Nov 22, 2021   #4
@Holt
Thank you verry much for your feedback. I have mistaken the writer name. Kamal Satinder is the writer of the letter. I am going to change the position into a member of the HR department. Thank you.


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