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write to thank a local businessman for giving large sum of money to the club....

dylantcp 1 / 1  
Oct 21, 2009   #1
A local business man recently gave a large sum of money to the club to make improvements to the leisure facilities and to buy more sports equipment. Write a letter to thank him and tell him how the facilities have been improved and invite him to the club to see the new facilities in use. You may add further details. It should be a friendly letter. ( 30 marks )

Please help me review my essay and give me feedback as soon as possible, as I am going to take my 'O' levels soon. I hope that you can grade me for this essay. Thanks very much!

Dear Mr XXX,

We would like to express our utmost gratitude for your generosity for giving such a large gift to the club. In return for your wonderful gift, we will try our best to spend the money wisely for further improvements in the club.

I would like to tell you how the money is spent on upgrading the club. The main areas of our club that need to be upgraded are , swimming pool, gym, and the golf course. As we have received feedbacks that our leisure facilities are small, we decided to make use of the money to upgrade the leisure facilities.

Firstly, the swimming pool is currently under renovation, and the capacity of the swimming pool will be increased so that it can accommodate our increasing number of club members. Next, our club's most popular facility, the gym, has been expanded for more space so that more equipment can be placed in the gym, since some of our equipment has worn out, and aslo to cater for the increasing usage by our club members. Lastly, would be the golf course. Due to several feedbacks and suggestions from our club members, we agreed that the club's golf course is too small and not challenging enough. Therefore, we decided to expand the golf course so that golfers are able to experience the real fun and excitement of playing golf. Furthermore, there will also be an addition of new facilities like sauna, a bar, and also a rock wall for rock climbing, and finally, food stalls and more shops selling sports wear from known brands such as Adidas and Nike.

However, there are some of the facilities that do not need to be improved.These areas will still be opened to club members. They are the club's soccer field, basketball court, tennis court, bowling arena and the underground snooker area. Although these areas do not require further improvements, expenditure on sports equipment such as basketballs, soccerballs, tennis rackets are is neccessary as they will worn out easily. Lastly, a portion of the money will be spent on renovating the club. The money was spent this way so that club members are able to enjoy themselves more in the club. Hence, the membership fee of our club will be increased and most of our club members feel that it is worth it as there will be much more facilities to use.

The club will be organising an opening ceremony and a function when the club is officially reopened with its wide range of facilities and we would like extend our invitation to you as these improvements would not have been possible without you. We will also give you a tour of the club's facilities to see the improvements made. On behalf of the club, I would like to thank you once again for your gift. We hope to see you soon at the opening ceremony.

Yours Sincerely,
Josh Tan,
Senior Member of XXX Club

EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 21, 2009   #2
Go through and try to eliminate minor errors of tense and other grammatical mistakes. Here are some fixes to get you started:

"I would like to tell you how the money will be spent on upgrading the club."

"The main areas of our club that need to be upgraded are the swimming pool, the gym, and the golf course. "

"As we have received feedback from our customers saying that our leisure facilities are too small, we have decided to make use of the money to upgrade themleisure facilities ."
OP dylantcp 1 / 1  
Oct 22, 2009   #3
Noted. Thanks alot. I will try to improve on it. How about the details I have written? Is there anything that is irrelevant that I should omit? Just being curious, if this letter is being marked, approximately how many marks I would get out of 30? Thanks.

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