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Write a story that happens in a mysterious place.


Samuelsam123 12 / 46 20  
Sep 29, 2015   #1
I am supposed to write the beginning only . I dont know how to create a mystery atmosphere .. please help me , i welcome negative comments.

I open my eyes, i see nothing. Everything was pitch black. I stretch my arm across. Grabbing anything that was in front of me - nothing.

Sweat dripped down my cheeks , my lungs are starting to lose air. I can't breathe. I grab anything I could, something icy cold pricks my fingers. A burst of hope fills me, I grab hold of it. , it was rusty and small. I twist it, light rays came bursting through. The next area was bright . Finally ! Wait , I hear cheering...

Please help me change or improve it. thanks :D

whipsnade97 2 / 4 3  
Sep 29, 2015   #2
Oooh I really like this... Good job! On a sidenote I recommend Poe's Telltale heart/Black cat for some inspirations.
Keep your sentences short/fragmented. Short paragraphs, even. Increases tension. Here's my take on it:

I see nothing.

Surrounded by darkness, I stretch my arms. I am desperate - anything, give me anything to grab on...

Sweat drips down my cheeks. My skin itches. I'm losing air. I can't breathe. I keep on grabbing. My fingers convulsing. Something icy cold pricks my fingers. Finally. A surge of hope bursts inside me. I grab onto it. My fingers still sporadically twitching. I don't know what it is... I don't care. It feels coarse, but a petit little thing. Blindly, I fiddled with it, clueless what to do next.

Suddenly - a stream of light pours inside. The whole place lit up. Finally.I await in silence. Faintly, I hear distant cheering...
OP Samuelsam123 12 / 46 20  
Sep 29, 2015   #3
Thank you ! yours is so much better !
anggicaroot 20 / 19 3  
Sep 29, 2015   #4
When i open my eyes, i see nothing. Everything was a pitch black. I stretch my arm across. Grabbing anything that was in front of me - nothing.

Sweat dripped down my cheeks , my lungs are starting to lose the air. I can'tcannot breathe. I grab anything I could, something icy cold pricks my fingers. A burst of hope fills me, I grab hold of it. , it was rusty and small. I twist it, light rays came bursting through. The next area was bright . Finally ! Wait , I hear cheering...


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