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IELTS writings - Reasons for Obesity and solutions to it


IricBear 1 / 2  
Jan 17, 2013   #1
I am really appreciate it if you can read this essay and give me some suggestions
Thanks

the disturbing condition



Obesity has been disturbing a considerable amount of people for a long time, and it is becoming an emergency to keep people in good health.

The heavy work stress and nervous feelings in some degree causes this condition, it is evidently proved by the medical research that those people who are under big pressure are much easier to get heavier. Another reason leads to the increased population of the overweight is on the ground that people are lack of interest of exercising their body, they are unwilling to go outside for some outdoor activities, moreover, many people tend to take "time" as excuse, however, the truth is that they are too lazy to do some sports. Last but not least, fast food and high calorie food also contributes to the phenomenon.

To get rid of the troubles brought by the obesity, people need to make some changes with their lifestyle. Most importantly, it is quite essential to learn to relax, people are supposed to work or study with a peaceful feeling in their mind so that the probability of adding up weight is relatively smaller and the progress can be more likely to be achieved. What's more, if it is possible to spend time playing some sports everyday, the terrible condition will be ameliorated a lot. Try not to have too much fast food which contains little nutrition but high fat.

It is not only for pretty looking but also for people's own health and quality of life, people will find job satisfaction and self-confidence once they have a good figure, and key of deceasing weight is simple, that is to be optimistic and have a positive attitude towards everything in life

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jan 17, 2013   #2
I am really appreciate it if you can read this essay and give me some suggestionsïźThanksïź

I really appreciate / I am really appreciating .... so in here you should say;
I really appreciate if you can read this essay and give me some suggestions! :)

Obesity has been disturbingspreading a considerable ... it is becoming an emergency to keepa threat to the peoples' in good health.

"distribute" is an inappropriate word to use for this idea. "distribute" in some cases mean "spreading way" (e.g. He distributed gifts among children) but it's not a term used for talking about diseases, sicknesses or any health conditions. See following examples for using the word distribute;

He distributes news papers (meaning - delivery)
Government distributed dry rations to the people affected by famine (meaning - divide among)

Obesity has been a growing concern for the people for a long time that impose a great threat to their health.
OP IricBear 1 / 2  
Jan 17, 2013   #3
Dear dumi
Thank you for correctionïźŒsuggestion and right examplesïźïźthere do have some problems with my grammar =ĺ£=
but actually i was using "disturbing" not distributeïźŒi mean obesity is bothering people. Of courseïźŒmaybe this word is misusedïźŒi hope you can help me!!

THANKS AGAIN : )
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jan 17, 2013   #4
actually i was using "disturbing" not distribute

OMG .... Extremely sorry... I'm terrible with my eyesight. I have missed it and got it wrong. Extremely sorry about my error. :(

Obesity has been disturbing many people for a long time and it is becoming an alarming threat to many nations today.

... people who are under bigsevere pressure are much easiermore prone to get heavier

... good point :)
stress causes / stress and nervousness cause
Sorry again for my previous comment :(
OP IricBear 1 / 2  
Jan 18, 2013   #5
It doesn't matter,i do have misused some words, thank you for your correcting! : )
mcuong01 12 / 24 3  
Jan 18, 2013   #6
IricBear
Try not to have too much fast food which contains little nutrition but high fat.
=> contains high fat: contains a high fat content.
I prefer: Try not to have too much fast food, which is low in nutrition but high in fat.

Another reason leads to the increased population of the overweight is on the ground that people are lack of interest of exercising their body...
=> another reason & on the ground that : unnecessary repeatitiveness => just used in spoken English
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jan 18, 2013   #7
Obesity has been disturbing a considerable ...

Obesity is making the lives of many people very miserable.

I like the way you write but I think you have to work on your grammar a little bit. You have good points for your essay but you need to back it up with better presentation. :)
salmav 8 / 27 4  
Jan 18, 2013   #8
"Another reason leads to the increased population of the overweight is on the ground that people are lack of interest of exercising their body, they are unwilling to go outside for some outdoor activities, moreover, many people tend to take "time" as excuse, however, the truth is that they are too lazy to do some sports." -> put a comma before the word "moreover", this sentence is too long.

It is not only for pretty looking but ...

another too long one ..
devabe2005 46 / 97  
Jan 18, 2013   #9
disturbing factor for a considerable ...
mcuong01 12 / 24 3  
Jan 19, 2013   #10
I completely agree with salmav. To get high marks, you are required to use as much complicated as possible, but it does not mean you make your essay too complex.


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