I fully agree with the idea.
Based on what reasons? An opinion presentation is never complete without one or two supporting reasons. If you opt to use one reason, you can use that for a reasoning paragraph, then, write an example paragraph to better support your reason since the discussion needs a reason or reasons and a well developed example for TA and C + C scores.
You only gave one reason but provided several examples. Brush upon your Plural V. Singular word usage guidelines.
Personally, I believe this essay would have worked better if you placed the example in a stand alone paragraph because it is a very strong presentation that warrants a stand alone presentation. While your second reason would have made your first reasoning paragraph highly developed and consistent with a higher than average C + C score.
The conclusion could have delivered a better summary if you used a 3 sentence presentation that actually wrapped-up the discussion as opposed to this information lacking short sentence. That would definitely have been an added score boost.