world's problems caused by overpopulation
Could you give me some feedback and comments for my essay, and have a guess about which the band I am, I'm about to take Ielts test this September. Thank you a lot! I really hope you can help me since I do not know where to begin with writing skill.
Topic: Most of the world's problems are caused by overpopulation. Do you agree or disagree?
My essay:
It is a well-established fact that people round the world are facing numerous pressing problems. Personally, I side with the statement that most of the head-aching issues are attributed to the population explosion, and I will clear out my arguments in this essay.
To begin with, there is no denying that our environment is in big trouble, and it is obvious that over-population is blamed for this. To explain, more people means more products are consumed, not only does this result in a sharp decline in raw materials, but also bring a huge amount of pollutants to our surroundings. Take Beijing, a home of thousands of people, as an example. Their citizens are threaten dangerously by black fumes belched out from industrial zones and thousands of private cars, making the city densely-populated.
Secondly, it is the stressful life that should be mentioned here. In fact, more and more people flock to major metropolises in search of better jobs, and citizens actually are being shouldered a higher pressure, since they have to struggle in a more competitive job markets and afford exorbitant bills daily.
Last but not least, it is the high rate of crime that is also rooted from the non-stop growth of population. To explain, life is getting more difficult, with people having less chance exported to good education as well as finding a job, therefore they enter the criminal path on ground that they have family members to raise. Ho Chi Minh city, for instance, is breeding ground for crime as there are a lot of people, and the poor easily commit a crime to stole money from the better ones.
In conclusion, although there are other problems that do not come from population bomb such as child-sexual abuse, it seems to me that most of the world problems are resulted from the drastical increase of inhabitants.@suong1510
Try to minimize the number of unnecessary terms in your essay; this will help you optimize your essay in the long-run because you'll have more space for substantive content.
Additionally, try to be cautious of lengthy sentences that do not serve you well. Ensure that when you are writing, you are attempting to be as straightforward as possible. This will enable you to curate a more organic approach to writing.
While I do think that these areas are for your improvement, I think that, in terms of content, your essay is quite in-depth and was able to expound on the fundamental areas that needed to have discussion.
Having said that, let's revise a few portions of your essay.
There has been the emergence of numerous pressing issues in the world. One of the most troublesome ones include the rapid rise of population; this essay will expound on this.
To begin with, it is undeniable that our environment is in trouble; and it is obvious that over-population is to be blamed. [...]
When you can construct more concise sentences through using specific terms, opt to do this (ie. saying that it is undeniable instead of saying that there is no denying that this issue exists). Having grasp of this technique will enable you to have hold over the output that you have.
Consistency in content and form is key when writing.
Best of luck as always!
