Unanswered [27] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


13-year-old student in one school choose the study.


faizunaa17 49 / 91  
Oct 26, 2016   #1
The graph below shows information about the languages that 13-year-old student in one school choose the study.

The line chart displays the quantity of 13-year-old students that have taken Mandarin and French lesson in a school in England from 2000 to present. Overall, in the beginning French reached peak while Mandarin had lowest point. In addition, between 2000 and 2005, number of pupils who studied French increased significantly. In contrast, at the same period mandarin learner fell extremely. Besides, they looked like had more stable trend in the next following year.

It is clear that in 2000, only about 7 students that choose Mandarin as their subject and it had extra-large different with the French that have 150 learners. However, in 2005, while Mandarin raised sharply into almost ten times into about 70, French went down tremendously into near half of before at 85.

As we can see, in the next following year, from 2006 to present, both of them had fluctuated. But while French looked like moved slightly down, Mandarin had gone small upward.



ryan31 65 / 96 15  
Oct 27, 2016   #2
hai faizuna
here is my suggestion for you
hope it works

I think it is necessary to include a measurement

... peak while Mandarin had the lowest >>> it is a superlative point.

... 2000 and 2005, the number of pupils who have studied French ...
... more stable trend in the next following year.

..., only about 7seven students that ...
However, in 2005, while Mandarin raisedrised sharply into almost (...) near half of before at 85 students .

But while>> two conjuctions in here French looked like ...

thanks
keep writing
Beauty17 56 / 88 5  
Oct 27, 2016   #3
Hallo... here some corrections for you :

... in one school choose theTHEIR study.

... taken Mandarin and French lessonLESSONS in a school in England ...
... French reached A peak while Mandarin had THE lowest point.
... same period mandarin learnerLEARNERS fell extremely. Besides, they looked likeSEEM had more stable ...

cheers..
IvanMS027 43 / 56 9  
Oct 27, 2016   #4
Hi Mr Faiz. Here are my suggestions for you and i hope it can be helpful for you.

... languages that 13-year-old studentstudents (it is plural) in one school ...

... the quantity of the (talking in specific description) 13-year-old students ...
Overall, in the beginning(,)(use comma after introductory phrase) French subject taken by the pupils reached peak while Mandarin had the lowest point (superlative form).

... and 2005, the number of pupils who ...
Besides, they looked like had a more stable ...

It is clear that in 2000, only about 7 students that(there is no main verb if you use this clause)choosechose Mandarin as their subject...
... while Mandarin raisedrose sharply into almost ...

Suggestion:
you should try to use the noun phrase beside using verb phrase to variate your grammatical structure.

Goodluck!


Home / Writing Feedback / 13-year-old student in one school choose the study.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳