For over years, people always been paid attention on their look while working. When you search on youtube, there are many tutorial for using a good suit in the company. However, should they dressed smartly?
This does not thoroughly answer the prompt given. As this is a both-view-essay question, your task is to justified your claim towards the two initiative views. In here, you are missing such a highlighted point, and therefore this costs you a lot for the score. Trust me.
Go-Jek, Tokopedia and Bukalapak
Remember, IELTS is an international exam, so you need to discuss the issues presented as per the global view, not the local one. It is always good to put yourself on other global citizen's view. This helps you examine the issue in the worldwide aspects
will attracted to them
Will attract a lot of attention from the people who were nearby
In contrast, the recent research conduct by Harvard University about "Happy Workers"
A good paragraph starts with a topic sentence, not illustrations as you did. The topic sentence is extracted from the thesis you present exactly upfront in the introduction.
In my opinion,
This is not a concluding signal. This phrase is used when you are discussing your stand towards the issues. Quickly google concluding phrases, pick up one and generate it to your next essay.
Hope this helps :D