The behavior of young population has always been of great consequence for both the families and the society. Some children prefer to live with their families for a long time. On the other hand, there are those who choose to live independently very soon. Both of these life styles have advantages and disadvantages. As far as I am concerned, the benefits of seeking independence from the family as soon as possible outweigh those of living with family for a long time because of several reasons, among which two reasons are more important. First, children who like to live on their own are able to cope with problems in a more excellent manner. Second, there will be less conflicts between children and parents when they opt for living separately from their parents. Therefore, I subscribe to the idea that living independently is more beneficial compared to living with parents for a long time.
I think it isn't necessary to give reasons right in the Introduction. Just state your opinion in the Introduction, and then give reasons and examples in the Body to make your position clear.
To sum it upTo sum up , with all this taken into account, every individual has to choose between one of these two options: living with parents for a longer time or to live independently . Even though,(no comma) living with parents may have some privileges, living with a sense of independence as soon as possible sounds far better to me according to reasons mentioned above. Personally, this is the way of life I am currently living, and I suggest it to everyone.
Overall, I think this is well written :)