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Should all young adults require to perform national services?

here2study 6 / 14  
May 12, 2014   #1

This is my another writing sample..Can you please review it..

Thanks in advance.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The government should require all young adults to perform some kind of national services such as military services or social work.
Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

I strongly support that government should require all young adults to perform military services or social work. I think government does not only deal with the state affairs, but its also involves in making our lives better. I would like to discuss following reasons in support of my arguments.

The most important reason is that doing military work or some kind of social work is the only way to show our enthusiasm and love towards our country. I think doing such activities like helping people while they are really in need of help increase our country's honor. Now a days, very few people are paying attention on performing such unselfishness activities. As a result, it becomes necessary for government to take action, and should make it mandatory for all younger to serve their country. I have one example that comes in my mind. I used to live in Gujarat during my four years of Pharmacy. At that time, our city's government have made an announcement that all younger had to take part in medical camp, and help people who came from different neighborhoods. That camp was completed successfully without any difficulties, and after completion of that camp our state's government awarded our city's mayor for such an excellent work done by all young adults. It was very honorable moment for us and our city. So, I think if our central government declares that every young adults must have to serve to their country, I am sure it will increase our country's honor.

Secondly, doing social work and helping people is now become a part of the career. In this fast paced world, we can see that competitions among various professions have been increasing rapidly. Now a days, every profession requires some kind of extracurricular activities, and doing social work is definitely the best option if we would like to stand out as an extraordinary person among all others. This does not only help younger in finding a good job, but it also helps improving our country's economy. It wider the chance of increasing employment rate of the country. In addition, those who do not have degree could also get a better job because they can show their strong working experience of national services on their resume. Those all would happen if the government make compulsory for all young adults to take part in social activity.

In conclusion, I strongly suggest that if government would take such action like all young adults must have to perform national services, then I am sure we would be able to see a new prosperous country within a few years. Allowing all young adults to perform national service is not only beneficial to the country, but to the society and the younger themselves too. I think national services is an excellent way to make our country proud and to enhance its economy overall.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 13, 2014   #2
Well, it seems you have some understanding about the overall essay structure (pay attention to what Pahan suggested with regard to introduction). However, your body paras look pretty lengthy. I guess you are preparing for TOEFL exam (mention that in the title itself) which is a time bound exam. Have you been able to finish this task on time?
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
May 15, 2014   #3
Also, what is the purpose of writing this essay? Is this a practice essay for TOEFL or IELTS? If so, this essay may be too lengthy because those exams have a major bearing on time and you need to finish them in about 30 mins. If this is written for one of those exams, then you better cut down your body paragraphs. Follow dumi's approach as it is the best to earn a good score and save time as well :)

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