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Ielts Essay task 2 - young children play video games - problems and solutions


suruku 1 / -  
May 16, 2019   #1

Young gameaholics



Hey guys. I would love to to get some feedback from my ielts writing task 2. Feel free to put forward any suggestions, thank you!!

Many people today are worried about young children playing video games. What problems might these games cause, for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced?

Video games appear to be entertaining, pleasurable and beneficial to young children in so many ways. However, their fatal attractions also pose a major threat to children's health and wellbeing as they push boundaries and get more and more involved in numerous video games.

There is strong evidence to suggest that gameaholics who spend a large amount of time in front of a screen easily have health problems. Without control, that indulging in games for a long period of time might hinder them from (make them neglect) outdoor as well as healthy activities and even worse skipping meals or simply selecting fast food and junk food rather than eating a balanced diet, which increases the possibility of suffering from serious diseases such as malnutrition, myopia, skin disorders, inducing repetitive strain injuries, depression, fatigue and even death.

To handle this problem, the proposal that parents should set the screen time limits for their children is put forward. According to this opinion, gamers are supposed to take regular breaks, for instance, a short fifteen minutes rest every 45 minutes of gameplay. Furthermore, placing game technologies in shared family space instead of their own private room also help parents keep an eye on their daughters and sons with awareness. These methods so effectively would give children more relaxation time to eat in moderation and to be likely to consider a healthy relationship outside with friends, staying away from interactive, immersive video games.

To sum up, there is no doubt that young children might be able to suffer from having multiple medical decisions when getting exposed to video games more often than they are aware of. Nevertheless, a possible solution could be restricting their playing time.

Stefanovic 1 / 1  
May 16, 2019   #2
You talked about the negative effect of to much gaming.I believe gaming also help young ones.You should dwell on that too.
Maria [Contributor] - / 262 131  
May 16, 2019   #3
@suruku
Hi there!

First and foremost, try to optimize the space you have in your essay through omitting lines that are quite unnecessary to the depth of your content. What this means is that when you have synonymous or/and meaningless words crammed in between your sentences (that do not contribute to the structure), opt to remove them.

Furthermore, I recommend that you try to be consistent when it comes to usage of various forms for your essay. I have noticed that your content often has oddly-constructed structures. When writing academically, making sure that you have a consistent flow is crucial because you want your text to be as formal as possible.

Eliminate synonymous/repetitive words because there's no use in having these around.

Having said that, let's revise a few parts of your essay.

Video games are entertaining, pleasurable, and beneficial for young people in numerous ways. However, they also pose a threat to children's health. This essay will discuss this perspective.

Notice how you can basically omit the lines as they push boundaries and get more and more involved in games because these are mere repetitions that do not really add depth to your content.

In addition to this, notice also how I will revise these lines:

There are evidences suggesting that individuals who spend large amounts of time in front of the screen have health concerns. Indulging in games for prolonged periods of time hinder them from participating in outdoor activities and can result to engaging in unhealthy eating habits. This increases possibility of accumulating diseases like malnutrition, myopia, skin disorders, strain injuries, depression, fatigue, and plausible death.

[...]

Try to always create concise content over hefty sentences that drag on. Keep these in mind as you are writing at all times.

Best of luck!


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