I'm preparing for TOEFL and this is one of my TOEFL essays. I really need some advices on grammar, structure,vocabulary,etc. Thanks in advance! Sincerely, Andy.
Topic: You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.
With enough money, I can buy a luxurious house which certainly could enhance my living conditions, and thus I would enjoy a peaceful and comfortable life.
However, this kind of life style is not what I pursue. As a young man, I have a lot of dreams and one of them is to own a business. So definitely, I would invest the money into a business of my own. From running a business, we could not only gain profits but also enrich our life experience and improve our own qualities.
First of all, a successful business may bring us rich returns. At present, we may find that lack of initial funds are more or less a main problem for college graduates to begin their own businesses. If I have saved enough money, I would put my thoughts and learnings into practise. With proper arrangement and management, the little capital investment may turn out to be multi million dollars rewards a few years later.The bonus allows me both to purchase big houses or private cars to improve living conditions and to use as funds for further investment.
Furthermore, running a business could also improve my personal abilities. Firstly, to be a good manager and leader I should have a knowledge of management, accounting and marketing as well as specific knowledge of the business I do... However, not all these can be learned from books, precious experiences accumulates only when specific difficulties are met and conquered. To run a business is the best way to gain experience. Also I should keep thinking and absorbing new ideas and methods to keep my business vigorous and prosperous. Of course, a business is not always making money, sometimes there are risks of lose. But what to regret after I have already acquired so much knowledge and experiences.
Finally, starting a new business benefit more than myself, it also helps to create more jobs for the society. As we all know, there is a growing pressure in the increasingly competitive job market nowadays, and many young people cannot find proper jobs and have to stay at home. So college students are encouraged to start their own businesses to reduce the severe social problem. And that's an important reason why I choose to have an own business.
In short, it is a great challenge and chance to have a try to purchase a business. After all, if I use the money to buy a house, my life will be the same five or ten years later as it is now, but consequence would be totally different if I have the other choice, no matter success or failure.
Your prose is clearly that of a non-native speaker, but is not "strange" in the way that you worry about. Watch out for articles (a, an, the) -- you tend to omit or misplace them, which is a sure sign of a non-native writer.
