dream to become a celebrity
More and more young people tend to dream of being celebrities due to a variety of different reasons. First of all, they think becoming well-known is good because this job provides them with luxury lives and lots of money. They will not only afford big villas, limited clothing, super cars, but also reputation, respect, and influence. Moreover, young people like the feeling of standing on glamour stages with a great many fans below. They fancy being welcomed enthusiastically and listening to the shout for encouragement. Finally, today's youth imagine that being stars is an easier and shorter way to be successful than other methods. They find studying and passing tests at schools unnecessary and time-consuming. All in all, there are many reasons to want to be public figures; however, personally, I am slightly disagree with this idea.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,094 3253
You were asked to write at least 140 words. Did you forget that? You only wrote 137 words. If this were a Task 2 essay, you would have had points deductions based on the minimum word count. Always work towards meeting the word count. That isn't hard to do. If you are using a Word program, the number of words appear at the left hand bottom side of the screen. That should help you keep track. It is always better to write more words than less when you are practicing to write essays, but not during an actual test.
Your essay has conciseness and vocabulary issues that you should have spotted and corrected before considering your writing task completed.
First of all - First,
I am slightly disagree - disagreeing
Overused expressions also tend to get you a lower score in task 2 writing. Avoid saying:
More and more= Increasingly
All in all = Overall
Different reasons = several reasons
Or other variations as long as they are not overused expressions that can be mistaken for memorized phrases.
First of all - Firstly
but get also reputation
ing and pass ing tests More and moreAn increasing number of young people tend to dream of being ... variety of different reasons. First of all, they think becoming well-known is good attractive because this job it provides... lots of money wealth. They will not only be able to afford big villas, limited edition clothing, ... also gain reputation , and respect , and influence. Moreover, ... a great number of fans below.
... many reasons for them
to want to be public ...
I assume you tried to sugarcoat the words to achieve the minimum word count, yet your essay did not reach at least 140 words. I understand that you also attempted to use words like 'first of all' or 'more and more' to sound smarter, however, doing so does not make your essay better. Overall, I think it is good that your paragraph already answered the question, but, like @Holt said, your words must be more concise (remember to avoid sugarcoating words), and you need to work on your grammar as well.