Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.
Young People's Dependency on Changing World
These days, people have different opportunities to take action about any situation more than the past. However, some people think that young people are still dependent their parents like as the before. These people who think young people are still dependent their parents have some aspects such as economic dependence and constant cultural values.
Firstly, the main reason why young people are still dependent their relatives is economic dependence. Young people study at high school or university. They need money to take care of themselves. However, they have a busy schedule and challenging lessons their school life, and even they want to earn money harshly they could not make money because of their busy schedule and hard lessons. So that, they should take money from their parents. For instance, a student who is studying medicine away from her home country needs money to make a living. She cannot work any job because of her busy schedule. Her family help her to study so that she will depend on her parents.
Secondly, another reason why young people still depend on their parents is constant cultural values. All countries have various cultural values about different subjects. Individuals who have cultural values teach children their cultural values on children's earlier lives. Children grow with their cultural values. Consequently, they will have the same opinion about different subjects like their parents have. For instance, a person who raises with the idea that we should pray before eating for gratitude God will continue to pray after he left the homeland. He will still depend on his parent's belief.
As a result, some people think that young people still depend on their parents. These people have strong points such as economic dependence and constant cultural values. If someone wants to be independent should study hard much as the past.
I think you should check the phrase "young people are still dependent their parents like as the before" again. And "dependent on" is a phrase. Your essay lacks prepositions. On the second para, the phrase "cutural values" should not be rewritten too much. You need to practise more on your grammar.
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Alta, you failed to respond to the prompt statement at the end of your opening paraphrase. This being a TOEFL essay, means that you must indicate your opinion at the end of the paragraph. This creates the subject statement or thesis statement for your essay. By failing to do this, you have altered the prompt requirements and have shown a clear lack of English comprehension skills when it comes to given instructions. You are not being asked for the reasons that young people are still dependent upon their parents. Rather, you are being asked to defend your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Since your opening paraphrase did not properly represent the discussion, the whole slant of your essay discussion development has been altered to the point where it does not accurately respond to the original prompt requirements. With that indication, it would appear that your essay will most likely, not get a score higher than a 1 due to questionable response that you made in relation to the task provided.