Thank you for checking the last essay. There is a new one. I picked the topic from this June O level examination. Can you please check for me this one?
'Young people are no longer interested in religion.' What is your view?
These days, sometimes the older generations complain that their children or grandchildren have no interested in going to church every Sunday morning. It seems that less and less young people believe that God does exist. From my point of view, I think that young people still interest in religion - although it is not the way elders do.
There is many stress and problems a person under 30 to day have to face day by day. For students who have not finished high schools yet, it is their school work: they have to work hard to get into university. There are also their friendships and relationships which they never stop building up. For undergraduate students at university, as they are adults but still using their parent's money to study, they do their best to get good jobs in the near future as well as do some part-time job to prevent their selves from asking parents for pocket money. The moment they start working, they start worrying about everything. They are doing as much as they can to make relationships with their bosses and colleagues. They can easily get sack once they have trouble with any of them. Beside that, things become much more expensive these days, single people have to pay all these living fees without a partner. That is why they start thinking of being promoted, so they can afford to live. When it comes to their 30s, they all think of getting married and starting new families. After that, their single life finish, and they are also no more called "young people".
That is what people call "rat race". This world is a stressful world with no air for people to breath. As human being, most young people tend to find some place and sometime in this race to take a break. After searching around, they usually head to religion. Although some do not believe in God, they do find peace when they are in a church, a temple, a mosque... These people do not turn up at church in a certain time on a certain day - their religions are something that "recharge" their energy when they are exhausted by their normal lives. Some people do believe in God: God is the reason for them to get on well with others and continue living, as if they do so, their life of after death will be wonderful. Otherwise many people will hop in the road, start killing others and their selves as a result of a stressful world. In most religions on this world, committing suicide and killing people are unacceptable. Religions are there for young people to rely on when they are tired. The way people see religions will change by time. When people are young, they have no patient to sit in churches for hours or to listen for a monk half a day as a part of their life. For them, religions places are another world: there are no work, no stress, and no race. They can only visit those places when they need to relax or they need some peaceful. It is not a duty in their views.
In conclusion, I believe that young people are still interested in religion - although the way is slightly different from elders.
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My guardian just told me this afternoon that he afraided I cannot survive in junior college (which I am going to next year). I still pass all my English paper but I haven't met the Singapore 'O' level English standard yet :)) My English teacher keeps encouraging me in writing (as much as possible!) and my guardian keeps telling me that I will be kicked out next year. I'm really confusing now, because I'm not exchange student to go back, my only choice is going ahead and people are telling me I'd fail :))
It seems that I cannot keep my feeling inside anymore... Tomorrow I think I should write an essay about my feeling instead of argumentative essays.
In fact, next time I will post a summary. This is my weakness... I hope my next essay won't change to red :( I'm really scared of summarising :((
OK, the first thing I'm going to say to you is that if you are afraid of failing you won't ever get anywhere; it is like treading water. The fact that you are working as hard as you are shows initiative and drive, and you are clearly applying yourself. That is all you need to improve. Your teacher is right; the only way we get better at ANYTHING is to keep doing it. Ignore those (including your guardian) that are telling you that you will fail. Negative thoughts are like weeds; once they take root they don't ever let go, and then they grow and multiply, and before you can get a hold of them, they have taken over. Keep your head down and charge through; you will absolutely succeed.
Just a note: when I change your essay to red that doesn't mean anything bad; it just means I want your attention on that spot for one reason or another. I just think it's easier to show you things if they're different colors :)
Excellent point with great explanation. If you want to evaluate more deeply, you could add a paragraph about how you feel that older individuals feel that going to church and practicing their religion is a "duty."
If you can get a hold of a copy, The Little, Brown Compact Handbook by Jane E. Aaron would be a great tool for you that I think would help you out immensely. You might be able to check it out from a library, or you can find it for sale on Amazon. This is a great book that covers everything from spelling and mechanics to clarity and style; any questions you have I'll guarantee you can find in this book. Another good one is The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers by Stephen Reid. It's much cheaper but you could also probably find this one at the library.
I hope this helps.
Dear ThuyChi,
Just so you know there are others on this forum who care what happens with you. People in Eastern cultures uptil the last generation believed that they should drive the young. A little like driving horses - with a whip. Maybe your guardian means you no harm, but has not considered looking at it in another way.
I really do get the part in the center of your essay and do not think it takes away from the message. It is after all the preoccupation that people "growing up" have with their lives, which keeps them from dwelling a bit more on philosophical things, such as religion is.
You certainly know what you wish to convey. I havn't seen much of that specially on such topics as this. The rest is only practice. All the very best to you.
Dear Gloria,
I'm re-writing this essay. I know from the beginning that there is something missing in the second paragraph but I haven't a clue to do anything about it. So I just posted it. Thanks to Gloria, the idea of young people cannot find a purpose for their existence is exactly the missing one (maybe because I never ask me myself this question :)) ). I'll try to do this puzzle - it's like an unfinished puzzle, isn't it?
By the way, red reminds me of my school work (I think you must be a teacher or a professor, Gloria :) ). I'd rather have my essay changed to red than a RED cross on the paper :) (It did happen to my very first English essays).
Thank you for helping my with my essays.
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Dear Rajiv
Thank you for caring about me. My guardian is like that - he hurt people in a sepcial way that you cannot say to him "You hurt me so much". He told me I would fail in a very polite way :)) I nearly jump into Singapore river yesterday on my way home. I think I should be Chritian or Buhdist right now - there no chance for me to live without religion like that! You say I knew how to convey - In fact it's my very own thought, so I can do that. I can only success in writing when I'm interested with the topic.
Dear ThuyChi,
You have to understand life, and you have to understand that it can be understood.
Life isn't rosy for anyone all the time. Hard as it maybe to believe this, it is true in the affluent countries also. If you have an inclination to religion, both of the faiths you mention are wonderful. In general faith, itself is wonderful to have.
I know of many people who turned to Buddhism, when they felt their lives in distress. They meet once a week and chant. I see them much, much happier now.
Keep writing though. It has a great healing power. Write about religion. I will really like to read what you have to say.
Take care.
ThuyChi,
You are a very good judge of character, as I have been a teacher and am currently an assistant professor :)
Even when you are "finished" with a piece of writing and have turned it in, whether it be to a publisher or a teacher, it is always an "unfinished puzzle." You have that exactly right. Keep your head up and keep working hard; good things are bound to happen to you.
