Unanswered [5] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Writing Feedback   6

IELTS: Young people in the modern world


May 20, 2014   #1
Topic: Young people in the modern world seem to have more power and influence than any previous young generation.
Why is this the case?
What impact does this have on the relationship between old and young people?

~~~
As our world gradually develops, there have been remarkable changes in the society, notably the ever-appreciated role of youngsters. That they have unprecedentedly been attaining more power and influence has aroused a great deal of controversy. This essay will discuss the reason to this matter as well as some of its subsequent result.

Basically, it is the modern world itself that provide the perfect condition for young people to rise. Apparently, kids nowadays are exposed to technology as well as all mod cons at an early age, explaining their ability to catch up with the world and lead every trend. In other words, youngsters are smarter and more adaptable than any previous generation thus obtaining social status early is of mere simplicity. What is more, middle-aged and old pepple are beginnning to realize the importance of young people in society. They are the one who bring the wind of refreshments, known as dynamic and creative notions, that contributes considerably to the community. This implies their acquiring more respect and higher chance of promotion in the future.

Much as young generation are getting over the shadow of their predecessor, they alos bring about noticeably negative effect on life, especially the relationship between them and their previous generation. To be precise, young people are now busily indulging in making money and power out of the time they spend taking care for parents. Thus, they have naturally created an invisible gap between themselves and their father/mother. It has been noted that more and more children, mostly in developing countries, abandon their parents by studying abroad and then choosing to work there with non-break schedule. As a matter of fact, there has been an increasing number of elderly who either live alone or depend on civil services. Gone are the time when there was still cozy atmosphere of family gatherings.

In addiction to the blood-shared gap, the same is happening in many companies. As mentioned before, young people are gaining more respect and priviledge from employers and bosses, which probably causes certain unfairness. Old, experienced workers are disregarded and thrown away as trash while young, dynamic yet inexperienced ones are warmly welcomed. Their enterprise in association with their fearlessness of risk has totally outweigh the concept of safety and monotony of older people. That is the reason why some people can not get on well with the elderly when it comes to plan proposal or more commonly: promotion.

On balance, it is a foreseeable future that young people will continue to be domineering so far as power and social position is to be concerned. Nevertheless, it is vital for those people to take into account the indispensable role of older generation who brought them up from the very start, so that they can minimize the gap, which is on the edge of widening.

Please review my essay and feel free to leave any comment. I would be very grateful for your help! Thanks a lot.

Thus, they have naturally created an invisible gap between themselves and their father/mother
Thus, they have naturally created an invisible gap between themselves and their parents

In addiction to the blood-shared gap
In addition to the blood-shared gap

Just some minor mistake. Great essay :)
May 28, 2014   #3
Your essay looks pretty lengthy? Have you been able to finish it on time? Time is a critical factor for this task. If you didn't finish it on time, then try and cut down on the body paras :) You really do not have to spend too much time on one idea. For example;

Apparently, kids nowadays are exposed to technology as well as all mod cons at an early age, explaining their ability to catch up with the world and lead every trend. In other words, youngsters are smarter and more adaptable than any previous generation thus obtaining social status early is of mere simplicity.

.... Try and avoid redundancy because you may run out of time to complete the task , which should be your primary objective.

They are the ones who bring the wind of refreshments, known as dynamic and creative notions, that contributes considerably to the community.
In this essay you need to maintain the comparison between the two generations. In some paras you do that , but not in all paras :(
Hi
Very nicely written and presented essay
Good vocabulary
I do not think you should write this lengthy essays for IELTS
You should trim it down to around 300 words otherwise u won't have time to write task 1
Thanks
May 28, 2014   #6
Thank you Dumi! I really appreciate your comments ^^
I have a habit of writing too long, I trying to fix that!

Thank you candy07!
Yeah I agree with you on that :D I will try next time, please review my next essay will you?

And anyone can help me to reply to your message? I really can't reply because my message keeps going to the bottom of the page, not right below the comment I want to say?


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young people in the modern world