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Young people struggle to join the workforce, how to solve the problem?

CHUYUNAN 1 / -  
Sep 30, 2017   #1
Question: In recent years, it has become harder for new graduates to find employment, and many young people struggle to join the workforce. Why do you think this situation has occurred? What can you suggest to solve this problem?

Please help me revise to a better version!!! Thanks

work possibilities after studying

The problem of new graduates struggling to look for employment has been on the increase as of late in society. This is simply due to the following reasons. First of all, there are more tertiary institutions causing more graduates, but with only few vacancies in the workforce resulting from the global recession. Secondly, graduates with a higher degree and the time they consume lead to a high expectation, sometimes unrealistic in the job position as well as the salary. Above all, young people live in a more competitive world but want a decent job without any practical working experience.

While it can't be denied that this problem will not disappear soon, there are some ways to help out. In my view, the school should open a career guidance and counseling team to identify which employment opportunities are growing and to consider training in those specific areas, therefore, students can obtain more job information and gain fundamental knowledge before entering the society. In addition, graduates may need to reduce their expectations and to accept working from the bottom in order to achieve their position gradually.
penahouse 2 / 5  
Sep 30, 2017   #2
Overall is okay. You answered pretty much every question but in the suggestion part I would add an internship since it brings graduates a whole new perspective to working environment
vipy411 3 / 3  
Sep 30, 2017   #3
young people live in a more competitive world,but want a decent ...

rule to form compound sentence.

While it can'tbe denied that ...
cannot instead of can't
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,280 3982  
Oct 1, 2017   #4
Chuyunana. your essay is going to fail in an actual test setting for one reason alone, you did not develop it in the proper, accurate, and expected format. The standard format for these essays are 4-5 paragraphs with 5 sentences per paragraph covering the following presentations:

1. Opening paraphrase and thesis statement
2. Reason 1 with supporting facts
3. Reason 2 with evidence to prove the point
4. Personal opinion(if required)
5. Concluding statement with a summary of the discussion points

The minimum paragraph requirement that you can get a decent enough score on based on all 4 requirements will be a 4 paragraph presentation. With your presentation, which is 2 paragraphs that combines the elements I mentioned above, you will get a failing score due to an inappropriate TA presentation, lack of proper paragraph development, and improper formatting. This is not a passing score type of presentation.

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