Topic : Many young people who leave school hold a negative attitude towards learning. Why does this happen? What are the solutions?
could you guys plz review my essay, this is my first one in this forum :D
The increasing number of young students leaving schools has become one of the most significant issues that many people of today's society are very concerned for. Most of the school leavers think negatively about learning. In the following paragraphs, some particular reasons of the above trend as well as the appropriate measures would be given and analyzed specifically
first of all, we need to take the consideration that the general educational system in the world todays is too heavy. Students have been given so many assignments and projects to accomplish. Therefore, they seem to study too much. As a result, this status causes pressure and stress in students' life. Secondly, unnecessary subjects which have been compulsory in schools are unlikely to help the majority of students in their future careers. For example, while studying history, students have to memorise exactly events in the past whilst they hardly ever use this sort of knowledge for their purpose of earning money later on. Last but not least, compared to well-off nations, the educational system in poor ones is not paid by the government. Thus, a number of students who are from families suffering poverty possibly drop out of schools easily due to their economical difficulty
Fortunately, some solutions could be taken to prevent this matter. More specifically, the first one in this case is that students need motivation in learning. This can be solved by letting them know how happy they are when they have a chance to go to schools and showing them that the vast majority of children in certain poor countries throughout the world are lacking education due to poverty. In addition, the gorvenment should consider to increase the number of scholarships for good and poor students so as to not only motivate but also help them partly their economic difficulty
In conclusion, reasons listed out above can just mention some aspects of this matter. However, when the solutions have been given, hopefully they are able to change they way schools leavers think about learning and we would have a bright educational future ahead for our next generations ( 349 words )
could you guys check it to give me some better sentences that can replace mine, i wrote this essay within 35 minutes , is it too long with 349 words??? thanks