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The youngsters do crime not only because of their elders but also of other severe circumstances

irfan727 49 / 71 29  
Sep 30, 2015   #1
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.

In these days, severe habits in young generations become famous behaviour. A half of people argue that they get that because their elder or teachers do not give them advice or guide how to be better in attitude. Some citizens state that most of suspects who do violent crime usually aged under 18. Overall, the writer strongly believes that there are some factors which affect them to be a criminal person, furthermore an attention from parents will be useful for their attitude.

Several aspects which influenced to youngsters are educated and there is no aware from the elder particularly from their parents. This is proved with there are many teenagers who decide to break up from their school and they prefer to earn money. Yet, they are not classified for the majority of companies. The impact of this, certainly they try to gain cash with illegal ways like becoming robbery or thief. This can be solved if their parents are serious in teaching their children, so the teenagers will have good behaviour when they grow up.

However, people cannot blame the youngsters who do criminal since their parents do not give advice, but they become evil person because of their environment like their friends. This can affect them because their circumstance try to engage become a worse person. For instance, a teenager who actually kind and never smoking. Although he knows the danger of cigarettes, he tries that and addicted because of his friends. So in this case, the function of environment is more prominent than the parents.

To conclude, despite some individuals assume that the youngsters who do crime, not only because of their elders, but it is caused by the severe circumstance.

vangiespen - / 4,151 1449  
Sep 30, 2015   #2
Irfan, it sounds like the prompt you provided is incomplete. Are you supposed to agree or disagree with the statement? You say in the later part of your introduction that "the writer", meaning you are agreeing with another person's opinion. Is that right?

Your essay clearly lacks the discussion of how the lack of guidance from parents and teachers. Neither line of reason is clearly supported nor opposed in the essay. That is a line of reasoning that is expected and should have been reflected in the essay discussion within the body of paragraphs. Your concentration seems to have focused on the bad influence of friends alone, which made the essay lopsided in terms of discussion. The reader is not accurately informed and therefore, they cannot really form their own opinion based upon your essay.

You need to offer a full paragraph of at least 3-5 sentences for the effects of the lack of influence of teachers, then the same amount of space in a separate paragraph for parents before you discuss the influence of peers on youngsters. This will paint a better picture of the circumstance of the youngsters that lead them down a violent path.

Your conclusion is also weak. You need to develop your summary skills in order to create a stronger conclusion to your essay. That means,you need to practice your reading and comprehensions kills so that you can better develop your essay discussions :-)
Jaggi7921 13 / 22  
Oct 1, 2015   #3
Firstly in the introduction it's wrong to say HALF OF THE PEOPLE, and another thing that I noted u just extend your essay to fulfill the demand of 250 words because there is a lack of linking between every paragraph.

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