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IELTS: The zoo deserves maintenance and public respect


Jun 1, 2014   #1
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A zoo has no useful purpose. Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

Could you guys review and rate (if possible) my essay? Thank you guys a lot :)

For a long time, the zoo has been a second home to endangered animals. However, other people believe that the existence of zoos is next to nothing. In my opinion, the zoo deserves maintenance and public respect for two specific reasons.

FIrst of all, the zoo should be considered as a means of education with regard to providing real and vivid materials for learners. With zoos, pupils will have a chance of observing the habit and unique instinct of, for instance, a lion or a crocodile. At a higher level, it is of university students' benefits to do biological research based on practical statistics and live recordings, which otherwise would not be at hand. This means that the zoos conduce to the acquisition of knowledge at various levels.

Secondly, the zoo also serve as a means of ecological protection. Nowadays the process of globalisation is accompanied by the encroachment upon natural habitats, which consequently calls for the help of zoos. What is more, the ever-increasing huntings are having a heavy toll on rare and specious species. Only when zoos appear are such distinction-driven animals as: giraffe, panda, koala or leopard provided with their own inaccessible territory.

In sum, the role of zoos towards both human and animals is undeniably indispensable. It is highly recommended that zoos should be seen with different perspective in order to function at their most efficiency.

Is there any phrase better than "do the research" as in my essay? I'm so stuck here :(

it is ONE of university students' benefits....
or a better one : doing biological researches based on practical statistics and live recordings of zoos brings numerous benefits for uni students, i think it's smoother

and im not sure your inversion sentence is right or wrong, LOL
Jun 2, 2014   #3
it is ONE of university students' benefits....

I see what you mean, but in fact there is the phrase "of benefit" so I don't think I have omitted any thing :)
good job :) ... i think everything is fine just few grammatic and punctuation errors most of which have been corrected by thanhphongct1. And to add to this, i think the first and second paragraph are fine but the third paragraph is a little vague and lacks a proper conclusion. where you wrote:

Secondly, the zoo also serve as a means of ecological protection . Nowadays the process of globalisation is accompanied by the encroachment upon natural habitats, which consequently calls for the help of zoos. What is more, the ever-increasing huntings are having a heavy toll on rare and specious species. Only when zoos appear are such distinction-did you mean extinction-driven animals as: giraffe, panda, koala or leopard provided with their own inaccessible territory .

i read the third paragraph and i find that you were a little vague on the idea of "Ecological protection". i think you should expand on the idea of Ecological protection.so think about this: what is ecological protection? how does the zoo serve as ecological protection? how can it be done?.remember not to be ambigious in an essay. explain as much as possible. or write so that even a layman can understand what you mean.

and also i was reading the last sentence, i dont really get a sense of what you are getting at.plus the paragraph itself lacks a proper conclusion. A conclusion is suppose to sum up the main idea of the paragraph and that is missing in the third paragraph. otherwise the essay is a really good one. good luck :)
Jun 2, 2014   #5
Thank you! Yeah I have to agree with you about the 3rd paragraph. It was written when I almost ran out of time. I will try to manage next time :) And yes, it is "extinction" not "distinction" (oh my god I am usually mistaking these 2 terms). Hope you can review my next essay!
Jun 4, 2014   #6
Secondly, the zoo also serves as a means of ecological protection. Nowadays the process of globalisation is accompanied by the encroachment upon natural habitats, which consequently calls for the help of zoos. (why? you need to explain with more elaborated details) What is more, the ever-increasing huntings are having a heavy toll on rare and specious species. Only when zoos appear areto protect such distinction-driven animals as: giraffe, panda, koala or leopard provided with their own inaccessible territory.
Jun 4, 2014   #7
Oh I see. Well I agree that this paragraph needs more details. Thanks a lot :)

Only when zoos appear are to protect such distinction-driven animals as: giraffe, panda, koala or leopard provided with their own inaccessible territory.

err...Dumi? Is this sentence grammatical right? I thought it is inversion?
Jun 4, 2014   #8
Hai salmon,
I don't say that your essay is bad. However, I wanna discuss about task responses in writing task 2. If you write partially it means that you stand at band 5 for task responses. Write band descriptors.
Jun 4, 2014   #9
Hello TiaDS. To be honest I'm a little confused by what you have said. Can you please clearify for me? What do you mean by partially? Just giving opinions can be viewed as partial? So how can I do, or what can I do with this type of essay? Most of my previous essays were of the same structure...

Thanks a lot!
FIrst of all , the zoo should be considered as a means of education with regard to providing real and vivid materials for learners

Secondly , the zoo also serve as a means of ecological protection. Nowadays the process of globalisation is accompanied by the encroachment upon natural habitats,

Hi salmon, I do not want to say that "first of all and secondly" are bad expression. Even though some people say that it can enhance coherence, some experts claim it is likely to be hard to reach band 7 or above in IELTS test. It is because such linkers seem too general in use
you may use " the first consideration is... " instead of firstly. " another aspect that we should pay more attention is... " instead of secondly.

hope this little information helps :-)


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