So, I got my essay back from the teacher today with lots of feedback, yet I don't know how to change it for the better.
"We did not break down, but adapted ourselves; our twenty years, which made many another thing so grievous, helped us in this. But by far the most important result was that it awakened in us a strong practical sense of esprit de corps, which in the field developed into the finest thing that arose out of the war - comradeship." P26
In Remarques depiction of the trench warfare of world war one in the book all quiet on the western front there is no such thing as heroes or heroical selfsacrifying victims, it all comes down to a group of men whom has barely anything in common at the very first but ends up as relatives due to the comradeship that is developed.
You might think something like "Hey they have got so much in common! Some of them were friends from before they even went into the war". But there is a difference between friendship and comradeship. Individuality is what you're looking for in friendship, while in comradeship it is as I already said forced upon them, commonality - the war.
Now you might also think that I am a hypocrite, saying that they end up as relatives but that friendship and comradeship are two different things, here's how I see it; relatives are as comrades, they do not have to like eachother, thus they can not do anything about it, they have something in common.
Notwithstanding that they chose to join the army the comradeship is afterall forced upon these men, as the war. They have not chose whom they're fighting this war with. Even though there are so many different personalities in this story, personal chemistry does not become an issue. I don't think they have time to concider what they think is annoying about eachother, that would destroy them, so they all adjust. This creates comradeship, since they have to care for eachother and they have to trust one another! Whom dies does not matter for long, for they can nothing do to prevent it, all they can do is keep fighting, and staying alive.
"There are a hundred and twenty wounded men lying somewhere or other; it is a damnabble business, but what has it to do with us now - we live. If it were possible for us to save them, then it would be seen how much we cared." P.139
Despite all this terror they keep on, they forget, and make stronger bonds with whomever is still alive.
I think that the comradeship reaches its climax when the group are ordered to guard a village where they can live quite good in variation to the trench at the front. The group of soldiers becomes so full of themselves whilst having such a good time that they make sarcastic jokes against eachother.
"We put on extraordinary airs, every man treats the other as his valet, bounces him and gives him orders there is something itching under my foot; Kropp my man catch that louse at once, says Leer, poking out his leg at him like a ballet girl." P.238
Despite that Remarque may from time to time describe their comradeship as a good outcome from the war, it is all wrong, it is all awful and terrible.
The author Ernest Hemingway once said;
Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.
Even though that these men had some good/better times during the war, it was not a good thing, it does not matter how fine their comradeship was, it does not justify the war.
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So, the feedback I got was the following:
"Trying to get it"
-Immature or limited focus-- can't get the reader's attention
-Paraphrasing through over quoting
-Implies analysis, but inadequate
-Poot analogies/poot allusions trying to be literary
-Clinches used instead of fresh expressions
-Funnel opening using truisms and platitutes
-No sense of completion
You should use the first quote in the body.
Teacher didn't get the idea of the paragraph starting with: "you might think something like.." and wanted me to indent it.
Teacher did not understand the part: " Now you might also think that I am a hypocrite" ( is it not obvious?)
He wanted me to tie the quote " we put on extraordinary airs..." to my thesis.. how am I supposed to do this?
And I got some good feedback on my great ending..
Thanks
"We did not break down, but adapted ourselves; our twenty years, which made many another thing so grievous, helped us in this. But by far the most important result was that it awakened in us a strong practical sense of esprit de corps, which in the field developed into the finest thing that arose out of the war - comradeship." P26
In Remarques depiction of the trench warfare of world war one in the book all quiet on the western front there is no such thing as heroes or heroical selfsacrifying victims, it all comes down to a group of men whom has barely anything in common at the very first but ends up as relatives due to the comradeship that is developed.
You might think something like "Hey they have got so much in common! Some of them were friends from before they even went into the war". But there is a difference between friendship and comradeship. Individuality is what you're looking for in friendship, while in comradeship it is as I already said forced upon them, commonality - the war.
Now you might also think that I am a hypocrite, saying that they end up as relatives but that friendship and comradeship are two different things, here's how I see it; relatives are as comrades, they do not have to like eachother, thus they can not do anything about it, they have something in common.
Notwithstanding that they chose to join the army the comradeship is afterall forced upon these men, as the war. They have not chose whom they're fighting this war with. Even though there are so many different personalities in this story, personal chemistry does not become an issue. I don't think they have time to concider what they think is annoying about eachother, that would destroy them, so they all adjust. This creates comradeship, since they have to care for eachother and they have to trust one another! Whom dies does not matter for long, for they can nothing do to prevent it, all they can do is keep fighting, and staying alive.
"There are a hundred and twenty wounded men lying somewhere or other; it is a damnabble business, but what has it to do with us now - we live. If it were possible for us to save them, then it would be seen how much we cared." P.139
Despite all this terror they keep on, they forget, and make stronger bonds with whomever is still alive.
I think that the comradeship reaches its climax when the group are ordered to guard a village where they can live quite good in variation to the trench at the front. The group of soldiers becomes so full of themselves whilst having such a good time that they make sarcastic jokes against eachother.
"We put on extraordinary airs, every man treats the other as his valet, bounces him and gives him orders there is something itching under my foot; Kropp my man catch that louse at once, says Leer, poking out his leg at him like a ballet girl." P.238
Despite that Remarque may from time to time describe their comradeship as a good outcome from the war, it is all wrong, it is all awful and terrible.
The author Ernest Hemingway once said;
Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.
Even though that these men had some good/better times during the war, it was not a good thing, it does not matter how fine their comradeship was, it does not justify the war.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------
So, the feedback I got was the following:
"Trying to get it"
-Immature or limited focus-- can't get the reader's attention
-Paraphrasing through over quoting
-Implies analysis, but inadequate
-Poot analogies/poot allusions trying to be literary
-Clinches used instead of fresh expressions
-Funnel opening using truisms and platitutes
-No sense of completion
You should use the first quote in the body.
Teacher didn't get the idea of the paragraph starting with: "you might think something like.." and wanted me to indent it.
Teacher did not understand the part: " Now you might also think that I am a hypocrite" ( is it not obvious?)
He wanted me to tie the quote " we put on extraordinary airs..." to my thesis.. how am I supposed to do this?
And I got some good feedback on my great ending..
Thanks
