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Posts by Woolachee
Joined: Oct 4, 2009
Last Post: Oct 15, 2009
Threads: 2
Posts: 2  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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Woolachee   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / The pub, in which I bus tables at, named PJ Whelihans-Part Time Job/COMMON APP [2]

This is the first version my essay - "Topic of my choice." I decided to remark about an experience during my weekend job. Please provide either constructive criticism or praise. Any and all help is appreciated!

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PJ Whelihans

Five men, all wearing jeans and identical black shirts, advanced with a deliberate, yet awkward gait towards me. As they approached, I stepped forward to greet them, but as I opened my mouth to speak, my manager, Jamie, cut me off. She politely asked the men if they would like a seat in the dining room. As they turned around to take their seats at their table, I saw that they each had "Last fling before the ring!" printed in bold white letters on the back of their shirt - a bachelor party.

The pub, in which I bus tables at, named PJ Whelihans, is known for a family-friendly dining room, a difficult reputation to maintain due its proximity to a bar. A bachelor party in the dining room could prove to be trouble for this reputation. Jamie decided to cut the bachelor party off from alcohol early, as they likely were drinking before they entered the restaurant.

Because they could not buy anymore alcohol, the men decided to leave. They all chugged their remaining beers, and walked out to the foyer. Barley 30 seconds later, Jamie walked out of the kitchen with a mop and rag with an absolutely horror-struck, sickened expression stamped to her face. I wondered what could have happened, so I followed her into the foyer. As I opened the door behind her, a revolting odor struck me with the force of a freight train - and then I saw the carnage. The entire front door to the restaurant and surrounding area was covered in throw up from the since departed bachelor party. Infuriated, Jamie instantly asked me go get more buckets of water, a jug of sanitary spray, and bag of towels.

Not only was there a gigantic mess, but the restaurant was exceptionally busy and we were under-staffed. I had only recently begun working as a busboy, but I was learning quickly. Everyone has to chip in equally in a restaurant. If a big task looms, such as the mess all over the door, someone needs to take charge. I needed to chip in, especially because Jamie needed to start managing the customers, and the waitresses could take care of my job as a busboy. Normally in the past I would just avoid the entire dilemma, but the past few weekends I had worked forced me take new adventurous steps. Busing tables instilled confidence within me, and I felt that I could to take on some extra responsibility. I decided to step up to the plate.

As I brought the supplies Jamie had requested, I told her that I would take care of the mess and she could go back to work. She was skeptical at first, and insisted that I just go back to cleaning tables, but she noticed that more customers were entering the parking lot. Jamie handed me the mop and said in humbling gracious and sincere tone, "Andrew, Thank You."

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Woolachee   
Oct 12, 2009
Undergraduate / FSU-"Vires, Artes, Mores"-my experiences in life (first draft) [7]

"Another area where I have grown is in media art, especially in painting and scratchboard."

Possibly reword this sentence, as I think the "area where i have grown is in media art" is sort of awkward. A possibly more concise way of introducing that you have grown is by stating:

"I have also grown in the area of media art, especially in the subsets of painting and scratchboarding."

Also, i'm not sure if "Scratchboarding" is a word, it might need to be hyphenated. Otherwise your essay looks well organized and focused.

I personally like introduction 1 better than 2.
Woolachee   
Oct 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Music and science are 2 domains, 2 pillars, 2 passions ; Common app- Topic of Choice [6]

"As I sit hopelessly at my computer, enduring long hours of research for a science project, I decide to cross-apply some of my creativeness that inspired me while singing. I make an effort to play around with variables like notes, and vary the intensity of certain variables like I do to the rhythm when singing."

This is about coming up with an improvised, original science project, but the rest of your essay is about the work in completing your project. Are their two different projects. Possibly clarify the ideas of the project(s) in your essay. Otherwise i'm with Sean, beautiful metaphor.
Woolachee   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Playing piano at retirement homes [2]

I don't know how i can cut it down any more. it's 152 words and i need it to be 150.
I appreciate all constructive comments, criticisms and/or advise.

I struck my opening chord flawlessly, but something sounded peculiar. The piano was vastly out-of-tune. Thus, even if I hit all the notes I perfectly, my performance would seem juvenile. My insides writhed at the thought of my audience's judgment. To my surprise, my audience had not become morbidly silent from my seemingly horrific performance, but instead, they were cheering and singing along! I was not playing a formal piano recital; I was in a retirement home, playing what I loved - the good old jazz standards. I perform at retirement homes because the members of the audience are overjoyed by the music I play; it reminds them of their childhood. I also perform because grandmother lived in a retirement home until she passed away. I used to visit her and play for her on the organ. Since she passed, I decided to give something by playing what my grandmother and I cherished.
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